Who, me?

It all started because of a picture...

2012-01-07T19:16:00.000-08:00

Alright, so I've mentioned several times that I hate how open people are with their lives online--mainly putting so many pictures up of what should be private on a sight like Facebook. But I understand everybody has their own point of view, and some people get so excited about what's going on in their lives that they just have to share. Well, I don't. And so I started with some of my ex-cheer gals...and just kept going. Kept going until I dropped my numbers drastically, almost in half! Buh-bye over 200 people! I thought I'd keep it around 500--it's a nice round number and all--but I snapped! I'm happy for you, I'm glad you're married and have welcomed a baby into this world. However I DO NOT need to see 20 pictures a day of your baby bundled up doing nothing (because hey, it's a picture) so I followed the advice that so many spout off when they do something that others don't like: Well just delete me.
Unless I actually talk to the person, think I'll talk to them in the future, or want to hold on to that last link with them for some reason or another I deleted. And let me tell you, it takes some time. It's not like Facebook has a multiple 'unfriend' option. No, you have to do each one.

Worth it.

In other worthy news I am officially an ACE-certified Fitness Professional. Boom baby! Funny thing is I'm only certified for two years (longer if I keep up on my continuing education classes, of course) and I probably won't be in the US for the majority of it. So long as I'm in a place where I have internet I'll be fine but you know, the irony of it all.

I may or may not be drunk

2011-12-31T01:13:00.000-08:00

I'm going to be honest with you--I think of Alpha from time to time. Sometimes I just want him. I know people say you never forget your first love, I didn't realize they meant the first time you make love (have sex, whatever). But that's not the point. The point is--I went to a pre-New Year's Eve bash and, even though the DJ wasn't all of that, we had to get our money's worth and so I had a lot of champagne, like a lot a lot. I'm pretty sure I finished a bottle all by myself. And so I'm thinking of the things I said I would never say, mainly how I wonder if Alpha and I could have made it. I know it's been 2 years and so I shouldn't be thinking it, but it doesn't stop me. And after what feels like a hundred years of no sex...yeah, I want him, and I want him bad. I should instead think about all of the things that have changed, and how if one thing changes then so many things change as a result (which is why I love the What If Game).
~~
All of that was written in a moment of weakness, but I don't regret it. I think it's sad, pathetic, and weird that I was surrounded by attractive guys and didn't care, but then as soon as I got home I thought, hmmm, in my drunken state now is the perfect time to tell the internet that, why yes, I do still think about a mistake I made. Except I don't think of it as a mistake, it's hard to. I still think I made that choice for a reason. See! I talk myself in circles, it's ridiculous!
Anyhow, I'm glad there was a pre-NYE bash because the tradition we have going in my family is to always start the new year with people you intend to finish it with, and, except for one year (ick), I've always been here with my family. We have a delicious steak and seafood dinner, Poppa always gets me sparkling cider (have I mentioned how much I love cider?) we watch movies and then the fireworks. Some say it's too low-key, what about the strangers, what about the alcohol, what about blahblahblah. It works for me, well it works for us, and isn't it better to start a new year with so many possibilities with the people that you know will be there to love, help, and support you?
Exactly.

Happy New Year!

No regrets, right?

2011-12-27T21:57:00.000-08:00

I don't know why I phrased it as a question. The other day we were talking about all of the places that I want to explore/live/have an adventure in and I can't get over the fact that, had I said yes to Indonesia, Korea, or China, not only would I be traveling right now but I wouldn't be having these financial headaches but I'm still glad I said no. I just don't want to live and work in those countries, at least not at the moment. And even though I was slightly upset that I was passed over for both Fulbright and the World Affairs Council I'm still in a good place. I mentioned that I was going to start applying to schools again, and I have. In addition to going through an agency for Trinidad/Tobago, Costa Rica, Dominican Republic, and Aruba, (soon to add Brazil after the new year) I've applied independently to a couple schools in Russia, Germany, and Spain--oh, and for a volunteer position with the Chilean Ministry of Education. I'm sure you know which one I'm rooting for (SPAIN SPAIN SPAIN. I would love to go to Chile, but that depends on the loan deferment). These are schools I'd definitely say YES to.

In the meantime I'm trying to do all I said I would do (for now) here in Seattle and prepare for what's next. But, just in case, I'm also preparing for the off chance that I don't go anywhere. Although at this point that isn't an option for me.

Just because I make fun of you...

2011-12-26T18:56:00.000-08:00

Okay, I do this thing that I'm sure is bad: When guys give money to beggars I make fun of them.
But it's not because I think it's unmanly or anything, I don't even really know why I do it! Out loud I say something along the lines of "Hehe, sucker" while inside I melt a little bit. This isn't to say I think everyone should give money to beggars. You don't get knocked points if you don't do it (unless you do something that Navy guy did, which is yell at them--and she didn't even do anything to him!), I completely understand. Typically I refuse to give cash, but occasionally I will offer them food or a coffee, a coffee more often than not as when I run into beggars I'm normally about to walk into a coffee shop, but I don't like the idea of giving out cash. Some people do, and when it's a guy that I'm out with I do get a bit sappy in my heart region. It's one of those things I can't explain (like when I hear a certain note--normally a low G--something about the bass gets me. I do the whole hand-over-heart-and-sigh thing. Most people who have seen this think that I know and like/love the song but it could be a song I've never heard before, it's just that bass! But that's not the point) but I think it goes back to the whole help others thing that I appreciate. Sure, I don't trust that when I give money it will be spent on whatever that person sobbingly told me they needed it for, but then again, I don't have extra money to give and hate feeling like a sucker. Food/Coffee I can always share with someone who is stuck out in the cold. But if the guy has the extra cash and feels like helping someone out there is nothing wrong with that, please don't let my rudeness stop you.
That is all.

Killer migraine...worth it!

2011-12-21T23:45:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I'm not the most social person. Not all the time, can't do it, won't do it. Today I tried to make an exception...it didn't end the way I expected.

First of all, I didn't prep properly, I can actually list all of the things I've had to eat today...it isn't pretty:
banana, latte, (gym) banana, vegetables, latte, grilled cheese, espresso, oysters, (20ish minute walk)PB&J...that's it! (except I'm eating mac n cheese right now)

This is not good for me. Think of it this way, when I meet people, each hand I shake subtracts a certain amount of energy, like a battery (I was going to use a car and fuel/gas, but then this would all be fart jokes). I prepare for people by eating even more than I usually do so adding people and subtracting food (because I did not eat as much as I normally would, not even close) = killer migraine. It normally doesn't start too bad, when it came to people I knew I could tell I was fading but thought I could handle it. But that too (when it's more than 2 other people at a time) seriously drains me...add in the party with a bunch of strangers and I'm dead. All of the noise just starts to engulf me, it's not a pretty sight. By the end I was at the 'no words, please, no more words' phase. Do you think that makes everything just stop? No, of course not. And I normally don't have the liberty to just leave for 10(ish) minutes to attempt to recharge so it's grin and bear it. I didn't though, (thankfully) we left shortly after.

But I'm skipping the best part: the dinosaur costume. That's right, that happened. I went to a party with people I had never seen before wearing, oh yes, a dinosaur costume. Some of you might think that's weird...I say it's just another day in the life. Totally worth the headache. Although at the end, with the pounding in my ears, I started to think differently.

Then I thought: We're awesome. (oh yeah, Petite was also dressed as a dinosaur.) What can I say except:
Yep, awesome. And kind of bad ass.

7.5 months and counting...and some other stuff

2011-12-19T09:38:00.000-08:00

That's how long I've been celibate. And I think my objective has been reached: I no longer think of men as [just] toys. I know longer equate a non-relative male's usefulness to be to how useful he is sexually. But I'm still going to wait until it's been a full year before I have sex because I want to know if I can do it. And because I kind of like it. Instead of focusing on sex there are other [less-important--whoops did that slip out?] things I can focus on.

I just found out about FitBodies and I am pumped! I can travel and have my expenses (minus the flight) paid if I teach some fitness classes...umm, yes please! Now I just need to pass the test. Sidenote: Reading all of the nutrition rules makes me realize just how much the American food system is effed up! My goodness!

PS !

Apartments are difficult to find. There are so many variables that makes it incredibly time-consuming. Of course the apartments that I like are a little out of my price-range right now, but that's the story of my life. My job search is very active, but I'm very selective at this point, besides the teaching and gym thing (that I don't want to give up just yet) there's the 3-letter thing that takes 9-12 months just to apply! Seriously. But I don't want to start the application until I know that I'm going to stay in one place for the majority of my time. So there's that. But here's to hoping that when I'm ready for them they'll be ready for me. And, you know, want me.

back to twitter

2011-12-18T16:50:00.000-08:00

oh, shoot. 1.5 years later...I'm doing twitter again, Seattle_Stacy and oh, what's this? Now I have an ipod touch so I'm thinking...I may become addicted. Let me know if you have twitter...I think I should follow people to get the full effect!

PS: ...

Italian men, apparently, oh and what happened to privacy?

2011-12-18T13:21:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking about the past couple of months and I don't know exactly what it is, but I've been in my 'Italian men' phase. Well, phase isn't exactly right, but it stays. It's a little strange, that I've been spending more and more time with Italian men--on accident, for the most part--and it just reminds me that, while I always love the French language, I've enjoyed the Italian experience more. It's more than the language, it's the people, it's the way they phrase things, it's everything Italian that I love. Maybe it's me trying to recapture some of my Italian life, maybe it's because it's another culture that is appreciative of curvy bodies, or maybe it's just because it's what's around me, but there you have it.

Onwards to privacy. I realize I've complained about the status of facebook before, but I think the real reason it bothers me is this: Nothing is private anymore. I know that some use facebook to keep in touch with others (that's why I do, at least) that otherwise you'd lose all touch with, and I understand. And yes, I even understand putting maybe one or two wedding pictures up--especially if people are going to ask you to see them anyways. But I don't like it. At least make it so only certain pictures (wedding, kids, family) can be seen by certain people. Help me help you. I don't want to see 20 pictures of your newborn child on a rug, I don't need to be subjected to countless pictures and/or statuses talking about how happy you are that your bf/hubby/child did the most adorable thing. If it happens occasionally I like it, I even think it's sweet (even though I still wouldn't do it myself) but being constantly barraged by it, no thank you. I repeat: NO, thank you. Can't some things be important enough to be between the two of you, between you and your family, and/or your closest friends? I'm [not] sorry, but if I don't know you well enough to have met your s.o./baby in the flesh I probably don't care (except for some special out-of-state cases when I haven't had the chance--but even then at least we've talked about it, so I care).

People say it's because I keep too much too close to my chest, but is that necessarily wrong? The most I'll probably do is make my status (single, taken, whathaveyou) open to viewing, maybe even link to his profile, but that's it. Then again, as people are fond of telling me, that may change when I'm serious about someone. I gotta say: I don't think so.

December's Story

2011-12-17T21:57:00.000-08:00

Okay, so this month has been interesting, in a boring kind of way.

You see I spent a lot of time being a good teacher (including welling up when we had our graduation and had to say farewell to several students).

Some time was spent travelling--Hello Niagara Falls and Toronto! What it do? I thought I'd have more to tell you about that, but besides being the hot westerner there's really nothing that I'd like to share.

I'm still waiting for responses from the schools in the Caribbean, but my resume wasn't sent out in November, like I thought, but on the 10th.

I've been thinking more about travelling (of course) and the ship off date--at the earliest--is March, when Alie leaves as well.

I still haven't sent the housewarming gift I bought months ago, or gotten my follow-up eye exam. Whoops.

In the meantime I'm getting a handle on my finances (in January my loan repayment almost quadruples!) and thinking about travelling (Travel for Good vs Whistler Sabbatical vs PeaceBoat vs UforPeace).

A lot of thinking and decision-making that I'm not sure I want to do, but I've recently reread some of my posts from years ago (and reposted them) and I'm sure I need to travel again. If only to do it as an adult without the pressure of returning to school (the least) or because I'm not sure if I've held it in higher regards than it deserves because it was so brief (the most).

We shall see, that we shall.

Up-and-coming

2011-12-13T22:49:00.000-08:00

So much has happened in the past month that I'm excited to share. Just as soon as I have the attention span to do so. Soon, I swear!
After all, there's a story about Niagara Falls, the possible end to the sabbatical, my job search, my apartment hunt, and a whole mess of crap that will come out as soon as I sit and focus, I'm sure.

Hmm...

2011-12-04T23:06:00.000-08:00

Thoughts from my weekend:

1. I'm rewatching Sex and the City and there are a couple of things that bother me. a) SJP does not look like a good kisser, at all! She moves her head a lot a lot. and b) Carrie Bradshaw, as a character, is quite annoying.

2. I'm going stir-crazy.

3. I feel trapped. I thought I wanted this. No, correction. I wasn't sure that I didn't want this.

4. Kids are exhausting. But worth it if you want to spend an afternoon in Seattle hitting up and taking pictures of the tourist spots.

I have post-worthy ideas floating around in my head...someday soon I hope to actually sit down and get it together, in the meantime I'm thinking myself in circles, preparing for if I have to stay here forever, but still trying my best to get out. (Recently applied to Aruba, Costa Rica, Dominican Republic, and a fourth that I can't remember right now)

Slam Poetry Part 2: Andrea Gibson, your words complete me

2011-12-03T12:12:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I'm definitely glad I went to the poetry event, and I'm glad I started with someone who is considered to be one of the best because Oh, WOW. She was amazing! No wonder it sold out!

When it's done right (excuse me, correctly) spoken word can be so powerful and moving...this was one of those times!

Andrea Gibson, if you're not a fan yet...you may be soon.

Oh, and there was no Alpha sighting.

Slam Poetry. Oh me, oh my

2011-12-02T16:50:00.000-08:00

At this time I am on my way to my first (and quite possibly last) ever poetry slam. I don't know for sure why the idea of going to a poetry slam bothers me so much. I enjoy poetry, I enjoy music, I'm sure I'd enjoy people reciting poetry in a musical fashion, but it just rubs me the wrong way. I know part of it is the audience. I'm sure part of it is the stigma. Maybe another part could be the fact that it's people I don't know, barely care about, and have never heard of---and I'm forced to hear them speak for hours on end. It had better be good! But that's not the point of this, I'm sure I'll find something to like--just as I'm sure I'll find something I dislike--about this experience.

The problem is, this is where Petite ran into Alpha the last time. Same place, same performers. I thought I was in the clear because for some reason I thought she was in a different city (and we never discussed the performers) the last time.

I'm not excited about this. For my sake I hope lightning doesn't strike twice (lightning being the ever-elusive Alpha sighting) because, while I rarely think of him, and when it happens I just send light, happiness, and positive thoughts his way before moving on, I have no desire to see him ever again. Ever. Like ever. As in, if I had to pencil him in on a day it would be on the 40th of Never, Fat Chance in Hell.
Which is weird because back when I thought I would never see him I was okay with it happening. I always thought I would think "Ah, it's been a couple years, you'll be pleasant, nice, then move on with your day." When it became a real possibilty those polite thoughts came to a screeching halt. I won't say anything rude, I won't do anything unsavory, I'm still very much the send positive thoughts his way type...but I have no desire to ever see him again. In fact, I have a very strong desire to never see him again.

Not because I feel anything towards him but because I don't, and I prefer it this way.

But I'm sticking with it not happening. I mean seriously, twice in a row? Doubtful. And besides I'm going to this event because I want to see if I like it...why not start with someone deemed the best?

Luck!

No heat hair? That's right, I'm working it!

2011-12-01T16:49:00.000-08:00

It's been a week since I started my no-heat hair project and I think it's working for me. Instead of letting my hair shrink fully then taking the straightener (and about 3 hours of my time) to it I've started braiding it out. I love the results! Not only do I not have to use heat, but it stretches my hair to about half length. Of course if I want to have it completely straight I may have to use heat occasionally, but for the day-to-day I'm really enjoying this.

You know what else I'm enjoying? Actually checking things off of my Day Zero list.

And another thing?
Getting some questions answered about the future and whatnot.

Crazy thing though (and only mildly irritating). I was under the impression--wrongly, I might add--that I would automatically be given extra classes once I became certified. I even received a message telling me what classes I would be teaching (pending the passing of the test). Which was then followed by a message that I, of course, would need to do some training over winter break. No biggie. But that message also said that I would need to be interviewed again. Seriously? I understand needing to interview people, but seriously? If you re-interview me and decide that I'm not group fitness material do you really think I'm going to continue to teach the dance classes and not be unhappy about the fact that I was passed over for the other classes when I know full and well that you need instructors, I'm an amazing employee (who has been working for you for over 2 years!), and I just spent about $500 to get certified?
So I'm hoping this is just a technicality, a formality, an anything-ality because if this doesn't end the way I expect I will be beyond upset...so there's that.

Completely changing the subject but have you ever been in a non-dating situation where you know that this guy, this cute guy, just somehow wouldn't work for you but you try to hook him up with your friends because he's cute enough and you think 'Well, somebody should have him'? That's happening to me right now. Cute Coffeehouse guy #1 is so cute and fun to talk to that I'm curious to know how he'd be in a date-like situation. But since I know the datee won't be me--for several reasons--I'm trying to get a friend of mine to go for it. Seriously, someone should have him! It's not fair to him that he isn't made aware that there are hot gals who are willing to date him and that my hot friends don't have the chance to date someone who has proven thus far to also be fun and able to keep up a conversation. And he doesn't scare easy---what can I say, I'm feisty.

I'm not a hippie, I'm just think natural is more...natural

2011-11-20T13:37:00.000-08:00

I hate plastic. Sure, it was an inspired way to curb our use of trees (except...we started eating trees instead. Cellulose--read about it) but knowing that this man-made product kills us when burned and has infinite life-expectancy so far disturbs me, to say the least. And some of my coworkers have noticed this. I have my quirks, that's for sure, but some people don't know the lengths of them. When they start to notice the many little artificial things that bother me, some label me a new-age hippie (not to be confused with the '70s hippie).
Let's take a gander:

Food
My mom gardens, it started with just plants like aloe, but grew to encompass edible foods as well, and I love this. When I can I try to shop at farmer's markets and the local butcher's because I like to know where my food is coming from and I hope that they don't use the many harmful chemicals that abound in commercial products. I don't like food from a box, I have a serious distaste for food from a can (although I've been known to eat pineapple straight from the can...I love it!), and if I can't pronounce the ingredients I hesitate to put it in my body. Which leads to...

Hair/Skin care
I don't understand why people put so many artificial products on their bodies and/or in their hair. For me, if I can't put it in my body I try not to put it on my body. Sounds simple, right? It isn't, at least not for me. I've had to transition to this place. I used to be the relaxer-loving, scented mass-produced products-consuming, don't care where it came from as long as it served my purpose gal. But then I slowly started to switch. I noticed that my skin is softer when I use natural oil on it. My lips prefer all-natural lip balm (made with oils and beeswax) over quaternium-18 hectorite and many methyls and propylenes.
As for my hair, I've been natural for 3 years now, and while it's frustrating--shrinkage! I prefer my hair stretched, and although I love having the option of wearing my hair from it's shrunk length of above the ears all the way down past my shoulders (when it's fully stretched)--it's worth it. I stopped using shampoos because I thought that my dandruff needed the strong chemicals but soon discovered that once I stopped using these chemicals the flakiness decreased exponentially. The conditioners have enough chemical to completely clean my hair, and I've just started following up with a weekly homemade deep conditioner. I have about a month before I can see how my hair likes it, but I bet it'll like it a lot more than all of that other crap.
My new favorite Sunday activity (because face it, with sensitive skin and thick coarse hair it takes ALL DAY) is to prep my hair, go for a nice little jog, then treat myself to a face mask and sauna time. [Side note: My parents have had this sauna for 3 years, why am I just realizing the wonderfulness that it is now?!] At the end of the day my body loves it and I don't worry that I'm using something that I'll find out 20 years from now is actually a poison.

Home stuff
It doesn't stop at my body. I typically make most of my cleaners. The only problem is I don't make them fast enough and my parents buy chemicals from the store. My sister and I already made a deal though, when we *finally* buy our place she will respect how strongly I feel about this and allow me to make all of our cleaning products! I don't see why this is so confusing to people: just like there are natural oils that our bodies need there are also natural poisons and toxins that clean very well. Do we really need to make more artificial products that do more harm than good?

I'm still a product of my environment, however. I still use a cell phone, a laptop, and new-old PDA. But I do use them until they burn out then try to recycle, it makes me feel better than trying to always be up-to-date and purchasing something new every year (better for the environment and my wallet!).

Mayhaps this explains why I'm so against most medications...although I do smoke still. Strange, that.

I'm not saying you can't call me a hippie--do you, and I'll do me--I'm just saying that I think the term naturalist is more my level.

Not kinky. Just...curious.

2011-11-18T22:26:00.000-08:00

I don't classify myself as kinky. I don't think it's bizarre to play around a little bit, it's only normal, it's only human nature!

But then again I grew up in the Pacific Northwest where people say "I went to a dungeon last night and got whipped" and the response (or at least the one I hear) is "What else is new?" --maybe I need new friends...nah

I guess it comes from finding out new realms of pleasure. How else are you gonna know at what point discomfort (or for some, pain) turns into amazing pleasure? And besides it's fun. The boomboom shouldn't be work, another thing you cross off from the list, or something that you endure while counting the ~~shower~~ ~~window~~ ~~kitchen floor~~ ceiling tiles. It should be a time to explore what makes you feel good. That's what it's all about.

Besides, if you know your partner (and I think you should) this isn't something that becomes common knowledge--not that I think other people should care what you do behind closed doors if it isn't breaking any laws...who are we kidding, of course they care.--it's something that you share between the two (or more) of you.
Don't misunderstand though, I'm not condoning the likes of pedophilia and bestiality. Illegal and disgusting.
But if it's the kind of fun that doesn't break laws and that everyone consents to...go for it.

Think about it this way: How did you know you liked kissing? You grabbed someone and kissed them.
Sleeping with guys? You let him take it and stick it in you. Spanking...I think you know where I'm going with this.
The point is, kinky doesn't really mean anything to me. For some kinky is getting down somewhere outside of the bedroom while for others getting tied up, blind folded, and passed around is just a Friday night. It's all relative.

So I maintain that I'm not of kinky nature, nah, I'm just curious about what else might make me feel good.

So, while others may respond to interesting suggestions with "You want to put that where?!" I generally follow it with "...oh, alright, let's see how that feels."

Marvin's Room...I mean, really?

2011-11-14T22:29:00.000-08:00

There's been talk about Drake's Marvin's Room. Talk about how it really happens...I just need to say: Seriously?

I guess my naivete is showing because I never thought that anybody would actually do such a thing.
Oh, and there's also Jojo singing the girl's version.

That explains why, when I tell people that I sent good-vibe messages to kinda-exs, they always ask me if I'm looking to start something up with one of them again. The answer is still no. I never thought that people would go so far as to do that because it just doesn't make sense to me. If you are supposed to still be with that person you would oh, I don't know still be with that person. Maybe it's because I never automatically assume that if someone from the past sends me a message it's because they want something from me, mayhaps I should, but I still don't think I will. Isn't it easier to say something like: Look, I still like you. Any chance we could start something up again?
Especially if that's what you really want. These roundabout veiled attempts to start something anew seem so...childish.

Then again I'm also the person that thinks that men and women can be platonic friends and sometimes a friendly coffee and/or innocent burger is really just that, so perhaps you shouldn't trust me. After all I have been out with some people and didn't realize until afterwards (or when they tried to kiss me) that--to them--it was a date-date.

I guess I just don't understand this or the games, it makes things so much more difficult when you try so hard to avoid being rejected. Just do it. Put yourself out there, you'll save so much (the time you would have wasted with these games or wondering 'What if?') and have more time to enjoy the person's company! Odds are you'll find someone that you're attracted to AND that's attracted to you.

Is it just me?
Is that just too simple?

I am so upset right now

2011-11-12T15:05:00.000-08:00

Upset to the point of tears, even. Every time I try to talk about this Penn State thing I get emotional. It isn't the [horrible] story, the fact that it was kept under wraps, or even the emotional well-being of the kids that gets me going. No, it's the fact that after this happened some students reacted with outrage because their football coach was fired. That is what makes me so mad, sad, and brings me close to tears. Because it goes to show that some people only care about the money, the winning, and what they can get from people. They don't care that several young boys (who were already battling issues in order for them to be in a program for at-risk youth) were taken advantage of in the most despicable way. They don't care about the emotional trauma, the social repercussions, or what these children--yes CHILDREN--will have to battle for the rest of their lives. This isn't something that goes away people! You will always remember that someone stole a piece of your innocence. You may never trust that people who are supposed to help you will do so. You have been leap-frogged into a world where sex becomes synonymous with pain, shame, and distrust.
But oh no, so long as our team continues winning it doesn't matter how many lives were sacrificed because you just don't say no to Jerry, and you don't fire Joe (Joe, who can do no wrong. He knew, and he didn't say a word. That's wrong).

It appalls me that we live in a world where family planning is constantly under attack by those who don't want people who are willingly sexually active to have some control in their lives but want to keep a man with the audacity to say that he will quit when he's good and ready, even though he committed a horrible act--and people defend him! To top things off I don't think he's shown any ounce of remorse for what he did and yet you still defend him!
You lost your first game in 46 years, I've heard many express pain and sadness over that, but there will be more games, there will be more titles, there will be more of this extra-curricular sport in the coming years. How about losing your innocence? It has been said that one never forgets their first partner...think about that. This isn't extra-curricular, this is life. And he may have destroyed those boys' lives. 30% of rape victims suffer from major depression and are 13 times more likely to attempt suicide (oh, and males are more successful in their attempts). 31% suffer from PTSD...imagine having a traumatic stress disorder that's related to sex! How many relationships will suffer? And in addition to that these kids may even think that them coming forward was wrong because, although I don't think anyone has gone so far as to blame them for Joe being fired, most victims think that they did something wrong to deserve something so heinous and they won't be supported. You aren't supporting them, you are supporting greed. And it makes me so angry that it's a good thing I'm not in the area. I'd be on the news for sure.
It is unacceptable.

Oh, but I get it. It's all about the football.

About the other website

2011-11-08T03:29:00.000-08:00

I ramble here. A lot.
So I've decided to separate my ramblings...for the most part...I have another website dedicated to dance and travel. Whee!

You don't have to worry, I'll still mention things here, of course, probably, I think, but that will be more specific whilst [hehe, whilst] this website will be random thoughts, ponderings, musings, if you will.

But while we're hovering around the topic of dance and travel...

My last Deb O'Naire performance of my first burlesque year is coming up and fast! Suga Suite's Sticky Sweet Saturday oh yeah...come to mama.

And travel...well Costa Rica is still on my mind, a lot. But I enjoyed my life much more when I didn't focus so much on what was happening and instead let things happen (and just reacted), so I'm returning to that. Sure, I'll have a general idea of what direction I want things to go in, but before I had faith in myself. I miss that faith, so I'm taking it back. In 2010 I stayed put and embraced my adulthood, in 2011 I stayed put and told it "Show me what you got", and it did, in a way I never would have imagined (I mean hello, I actually want to try to be in a relationship, very different than this) and and...wow! I've been blogging for a long time! At first it was just the travel blog (which I removed when I returned to the states--although I still have the posts, somewhere). Then it became a way to whine about how I was no longer traveling, then it became my diary...and now? I have no idea what it is now. But I like it, so I'm going to keep doing it.
Cheapest therapy ever. (Especially when I go back and reread the posts from when I was in Europe and working through some issues away from home--not culture-shock/homesick issues--deep psychological issues from my childhood. Those are always fun, right?)
but wait...where was I...?

Ah yes. This will be those things, those ramblings, those hopes and goals and dreams and plans (that I abandon when I see a newer, shinier, could-possibly-make-me-happier plans). And that will be that. More structured. More dance. More travel.
Complete with video. And photos.

I'm excited already.

I couldn't do it. But I'll tell you what I can do.

2011-11-07T03:15:00.000-08:00

I couldn't devote a year to my life to teaching only studio style dance at a big business.
Which is just as well, because I never heard back from Arthur Murray.

So I'm applying to more stuff. One keeps me in the US, but in another city, another keeps me here until June then whatever happens, happens. And the last...well the last ships me out in January...but I don't think I can afford to leave so soon (I got bills to pay).

In the meantime I'm just doing what I do. I'm getting ready for my Group Fitness Certification (test in December! yowza) followed closely by my Personal Trainer Certification test.

It's exciting though, I have a couple of people who would like personalized exercise plans. They aren't easy, but I like doing them. Getting started is the hardest part because I like to take measurements, I have a ton of questions, and well, I like to make sure the person is serious. It takes a lot of my time to create. I put serious thought into it, so I don't think it's too much to ask in return that the person is prepared to put serious action into it. The newest 20-something would like some assistance trimming down a bit. Some of the gain is thanks to the birth control (hey! Welcome to the BC weight-gain club!) but she would like to see how much of it she can control.

I really like doing physical type stuff (oh, and I've recently been made fun off for not being able to sit still for too long) and I really hope that, once I'm certified, it'll be the beginning of a long career--even if it is more for fun than anything else.

The Cute Coffeehouse Trio ~Edit~

2011-11-06T02:08:00.000-08:00

I have so many places to get coffee it's ridiculous. What can I say? Seattleite to the core.
My top places are located near my gym (only a 1-mile walk) and my Starbucks. Now did you know that one of the best places to meet people here is at a coffee shop? Shocker.
And there are some cute baristas, lemmetellya.
One is just to look at, he has a girlfriend and all (I'm not going there! No thank you), but he is nice and fun to talk to. He's actually the manager at the one near my gym.
Which is where CCguy #2 is located as well. In the name of putting myself out there and doing something I've never done before we made a deal: He's going to help me with my Spanish. And me, well, I'm going to let him. He's cute, he's nice, and that's pretty much all I know because we've talked for total of 5 minutes. But yeah, if you want different results...
::Edit:: So apparently I don't pay enough attention, you see when I was informed that one of them is girlfriend-ed-up I was looking down at my puzzle, both of them were there, and now it appears that the one helping me with my Spanish is the one that I'm not going after. Hmm, so J1 is available (and younger than I thought) but I have no idea what to do, and J2 isn't. Crap.

If you think I'm stopping there you are wrong! Just the other day I was at my Starbucks when I noticed that the barista (supervisor. Whatever) that was helping me was cuuuute. It wasn't until later that I really took in his attractiveness thanks in part to a delicious tattoo that was running up his arm. Yum! I have no idea how far up it goes (stupid sleeves!) but I did notice that he had a nice build and, from a superficial aspect--which is all I really need right now--that's enough for me to try to turn on the flirting magic the next time I go in there. Hopefully he's working so we can go ahead and hit it off and he can wrap them around me. No. No! Not the physical...but ooh the physical. Shoot, I don't even need to sit outside to people watch, the one I want to watch is inside!

Anyhow, wish me luck...hopefully one (or both!!) of these guys won't know what hit him.

TwbLOML aka The One That Got Away

2011-11-05T02:02:00.000-07:00

I no longer want to want to care, now I just want to care.

Cuddle me, kiss me, what am I becoming?! I guess you were right about age changing me slightly.

You know how you can spend an abnormal amount of time wishing, waiting, and wanting for something to happen? And then when it does it's more than you ever thought...but then also feels like the lowest point you can be at?
That's what I'm feeling right now.

I'm old enough to be set in my ways. I'm stubborn, selfish, and can be high-maintenance. I've accepted these things, as have the people around me who have to deal with it. But the idea of actually trying to find someone who doesn't know all of this and somehow encourage them to believe I'm worth the time and effort, well that's a whole new ballgame. New being the operative word. And I'm surprised to want to bother. Part of me feels that not enough has changed. I still want to travel before I settle down, I still find emotions/feelings and the sharing of them extremely difficult, and I'm definitely still more likely to push you away than accept you, however (oh that's really just a fancy but) it's nice to be held.
I don't want the messy part, I don't need the title...I just want the closeness. And it kills me to feel this way because it's all foreign, an unwelcome foreign thing that I don't want anywhere near my head or my heart but it is what it is.

Will anything change (besides me)? Doubtful.
Do I want it to? I'm still not sure.

A friend told me to find out who The would-be Love of my Life is/would have been. If I hadn't been scared (have no doubt about it, it's fear, plain and simple), if the situation had been right, who would I want to be with right now? Who do I think of with a little sigh and a 'What if?', who is that person that I went to bed thinking about, the reason I woke up with a smile on my face? If there is a somebody, then I'm capable and I just need to get over myself. I need to open myself up to the possibility and sure, some bad may slide in with the good, but it's better than being chickenshat about it. (I have awesome friends, what can I say?) Is there one that got away?

It's not quite that simple. In this case it was a double whammy: I was scared AND the situation wasn't right. If I hadn't been scared (keeping in mind that I'm what people politely call passionate. I jump in then find a way not to sink) then The wbLOML would be The ex-LOML and I think I'd be in a worse position. Much like doing the dirty-dirty I'd rather go without than have to deal with the bad. This way I don't have to worry about the bad.
But don't worry, I'm not sticking my head in the sand.

As a matter of fact...

Gifting Orgasms

2011-10-23T22:07:00.000-07:00

I know I talk about getting some a lot. A lot, a lot. What can I say? I think orgasms are a beautiful thing. And so when I find out that someone doesn't experience them on the daily or {gulp} has never had one I figure it's my right nay, my duty to try to provide encouragement and access to a vibrator. The newest? A fellow 20-something who has never had the pleasure. It hurts (and makes me give serious side-eye to the boyfriend of 5 years (!!) who never had the decency to ensure that she was getting there as well). It takes time for some, I know, but I feel one should at least try out the vibrating bundle of joy.
Enter the newest case. We had to make a stop at the local Lover's Package to get her hers (hopefully). Naturally when we came out the boys had to throw shade, but that's okay. They just didn't understand, I believe what was said was "Use two fingers" which is promising, but sometimes it takes more for some people.
[Side note: I keep thinking that the more time I spend with this dude the less I'll want to do him, but it's just not working out that way. Mayhaps because I can't see through this haze of sexual frustration.]

Wow, I feel like Santa. Only I'm not white, or fat, or jolly, and she paid for it herself. Although I do walk around saying ho a lot.

I think I did something bad

2011-10-16T02:04:00.000-07:00

I think it takes serious skill to block oneself. Not only am I purposefully staying sex-free, but I still think it's fun to oh, I don't know, tease myself. It's ridiculous, really. Knowing that I'm not going to do anything about it and I'm so hard up why, oh why, would I tease myself? Because I'm a glutton for punishment, that's why. And to top things off I think I'm becoming that friend. The one that's always mean because she has no good way to vent her frustrations and it's all my freakin' fault!
I stand behind the reason why I'm doing this though. I want to think of guys as people, I want to have romance, a seduction, wining and dining--all that crap. I just didn't think it would take so much out of me to do so. Man it sucks.

On another note I think I start to make progress in the whole 'be a sociable person' area and then I take 2 ginormous steps back but in my defense--two straight weekends of trying to be a nice, socially acceptable woman (especially since between those times I have to be the straight-laced teacher) can be exhausting. Baby steps, honey, baby steps. Speaking of baby steps my whole 'positivity outreach' project is coming along swimmingly. I never realized how good it would make me feel to say all of the good things that I think about people...and it also helps to close certain doors and open others. Why yes, I did just take something that could possibly be self-less and made it all about me, deal with it. {sigh} It's just so freeing.

Well, before I start rambling I'm off, I'd just like to leave you with:
J. Cole is rocking my world right now.

(Mis)Adventures of an Awkward Black Girl, Separation Anxiety, and 6 months people. 6. Months!

2011-10-11T21:54:00.000-07:00

Have you watched Awkward Black Girl yet? If not, you're missing out. Big time. I just watched another episode and the more I watch the more I like it. But that's not what this is about. This is really about my dog.
You see I took Eboni to the vet the other day and it turns out she suffers from separation anxiety.
I mentioned the fact that whenever we leave for more than 12 hours she stops eating (just for a couple of days, then hunger gets the best of her), whenever she comes in from outside she automatically checks all of the rooms to see where we are, and--the one that pisses me off the most--she pees all over the floor whenever she gets too excited. Turns out she's just really anxious (so much so that they had to give her the exam in the waiting room, she refused to go into the strange back room with strangers). I thought she was just weird. On the plus side, we never have to worry about her leaving the neighborhood or suddenly becoming violent (even though I don't believe people when they say that it was a surprise, I think there are always warning signs and it's always something that a human did to them) but, on the downside, she's still peeing all over the place--that is if strangers touch her (even when I ask them not to!) before I've sent her outside--and it makes the vet difficult. So difficult in fact that she wouldn't even allow him to take her temperature. She just wasn't having it!
That explains a lot though. It explains why she absolutely hated camping, why she's never run away, and why, no matter the training she can't see to control her bladder.
He gave us an option though. Doggie prozac. I didn't even know they gave that to dogs! Naturally we respectfully declined, no drugs for us, none for our pup, but it's still strange to me that they give that to dogs.

Last but not least...6 months! I'm so proud of me (at the moment). It's been hard (Mmm, hard) but I'm thinking it will totally be worth it. I'm not sure the erotica is helping. On the one hand, it reminds me that I want to try something different and be seduced for once. Never have I ever had a romantic interest buy me flowers or think of me as something besides a bed mate (it sounds sad, but it's not as depressing as all that). It sounds nice. I want that. But on the other hand...steaming hot sex stories. You can miss me with the happy endings but steamy. hot. sex. Delicious. All in due time.

In the meantime I'm teaching, taking a total toning class (whew doggie, it'll whip me into shape in no time!) and I've been encouraged to become certified to teach group fitness classes. I guess my boss does like me, considering if I get certified she's ready to help me teach more!

Not too shabby at all.
Oh! And I tried out the PLU gym. It's alright. Small, especially when I compare it to my beloved IMA, but the view is nice (oh, did I not mention? The 'view' is the heavy weight section. Athletes working those muscles. Sigh.) and it's just for light cardio 2-3 times per week.

So it turns out, I'm a teacher

2011-10-07T11:01:00.000-07:00

I know, I know.
"You're just realizing this now?!"

I guess I just always thought I was using teaching as a stepping stone. Something to do until I could do that other thing that I was going to do. And it always fit in quite nicely with my life and the way I had it set up.
While I was cheerleading I was a volunteer cheer coach.
While I was competing in gymnastics I was a gymnastics coach (still by far my favorite job!)
For nine bleak months I wasn't teaching at all...
Then, while I was traveling I was an English teacher.
And, because I'm a dancer I teach dance.

I have been teaching since I was 16 years old and I never realized it was serious. It was just always there. Like dance, language, and music.

I say this because I got a second interview at Arthur Murray dance school. I'm excited, but I'm worried.
Here's the deal:
~If I'm selected to go into training, they like me, and I decide to stay...I have to sign a one year contract.
~The first interviewee likes me, but said that I seem to be very reserved and he's not sure I can 'turn it on' for my students. Oh, sir. You should come to my hip hop class.
~I said I wanted 20/hr and he said yes without hesitating...which makes me think that I should have asked for more.

I like it, I want to do it...but a year? I don't know how to fit all of my passions together. Honestly, spending my mornings teaching English and my evenings teaching dance sounds wonderful. But when I leave, will it be there when I come back? Arthur Murray is international, could I travel with them? (Oh, that would be AMAZING)

Stop. No more questions. I will just have to see after my second interview. Let's go back to excitement.
I can't believe I might be able to get paid MORE to DANCE!! It keeps me in shape, I love it, and the only thing better would be being a music teacher on the weekends.

Side note: My niece is now a flute player! I'm beyond ecstatic. And a little scared. But scared because she's 11 years old and already as tall as me--I mean what is up with that? But yay! Another musician in the family. I'm so happy, I hope she likes it so I'll have someone to share the love with.

Fall, FWB, Daylight Savings, and F-Buddies

2011-10-03T20:59:00.000-07:00

Ah yes, 'tis the season.

You know what happens as soon as it starts to get cold, right? The mass text is sent out...searching, looking, ensuring that the contacts are open for that little (or, if you know what you're doing, big) F-Friend that you use to keep you sack-tive during the winter. And I'm not mad at ya. Not in the least. I just can't do it myself.

I'm more of a Spring Fling type person.

Winter? Winter/Fall is for going to the pumpkin patch and then making roasted seeds and individual pies, Haunted mazes/mansions (if that's to your fancy, it's not AT ALL to mine), puddle jumping followed by showers, cocoa, and fire! It's for snuggling with someone while reading a good book, and it's definitely for jumping back under the covers because it's too freaking cold and that's exactly who you want to be creating and sharing warmth with.
It's not for pushing someone out of the bed into the cold because "You need to get home, I gotta work tomorrow. PS Thanks for playin'" or "Why is he bothering me at 8pm on a Friday, he knows I'm getting ready to go out so I can find someone" or "Bake?! You betta get outta here with that! Food is for friends."

For me winter is more conducive to actually developing feelings for someone because it involves more closeness (damn the cold!) and I don't want or need to risk the emotions. So I just go without during the winters. Pumpkin patch with friends, cook for friends and family--unrelated note: Time for spicy cocoa, homemade cider, and mulled wine!--and puddle jump with...well, my dog. It seems I'm the only one that really enjoys that (ahem, at my age). Honestly any other way I wouldn't trust myself. And the days are so short too! Before you know it you've spent all of your daylight hours with one person and it's dark and you think...why not keep each other warm? In the spring the days are so long you could have 4 good dates with daytime to spare! But that's besides the point.

I guess what I'm really saying is Fall is awesome, Thanksgiving is coming up (what what?!), and this season should be kept pure...ish.

Starbucks Season and I forget EVERYTHING

2011-09-29T21:11:00.000-07:00

I'm excited because, oh yes, it's Starbucks Season for me! Y'see I have a favorite Starbucks (by Pike Place Market, of course) but during the summer I never have time--or the inclination--to drive downtown to go there. But from October - June I'm in the area, so I stop by, people watch, and study/prepare my lessons. It's great, really. And the best part is when it starts to get cold people all move inside, I have the chairs to myself!

Anyway, on to the next. So, it turns out I'm more forgetful than I thought. Let's see, a friend of mine is in Afghanistan, he asked me to write so I did...except I still haven't sent it/them. It's been about 3 months.
Another friend has a new place, and I got her a house-warming gift (I love giving gifts...even though I'm not sure I'm any good at it). The problem is, one that I hadn't noticed until I'd left the store, I purchased something in a round container. Can't just pop that in the mailbox. I need to go to the post office. Yep, that's been on my To Do list for about a month now.
It's not just other people. I got my eyes checked about 2 weeks ago...they ordered my trial contacts that I need to wear before I can buy my contacts...and I've yet to pick them up. I don't enjoy wearing glasses--except when I'm teaching--so you'd think I'd pick them up right away but...no.

Seriously. I forget about everything...oh, and it's Starbucks Season yeyeah!

Old new development...fear of rejection

2011-09-24T00:30:00.000-07:00

So, I was thinking about moving to Turkey just because I don't know what to do here (and for the dancing, language, and coffee). Then, after talking to the sister, who said that she doesn't think it's a good idea for me to move somewhere just because I don't want to be here, I realized...she's right. Damn!

Ugh. Costa Rican schools call me already!! Then I'd be leaving for a reason. Work and a MA (oh, and dancing, Spanish, and coffee).

But it's not just that. You see I have this terrible fear of rejection. I know, nothing new, everyone does. I just let it become too much for me. I almost didn't apply to undergraduate school because I didn't want to get the rejection letter (seriously, I finished everything last minute and turned in my packet the morning it was due), And now that I've graduated I've been putting off deciding what to do next. I can't apply to them all (well, I'm sure I can, but the schools/programs/jobs are so different that I'd have some serious issues if they all said yes), but spending all of this time comparing and contrasting makes me not want to do anything. And yes, that age-old fear.
It's driving me nuts not knowing what's coming up next for me, but I don't know if it's the uncertainty or because I'm afraid I'll be unhappy no matter what I'm doing because I can't make a freaking decision.
Not only that, but what if I finally do and what I really want doesn't want me and what I don't want I get accepted for? There are so many different things that could happen from now on, I just don't want to make the wrong decision and it's PARALYZING ME.
Hm, maybe it's not so much the idea that I will be rejected, I think it's more what will I do if I get it? It's the getting that scares me. Losing stuff, I'm used to, I understand, it always happens. But the getting? That scares me sh*tless sometimes.

Getting is much more powerful than losing. I don't know how to handle it sometimes. For example, when I got into Uni. Do you have any idea how much things change when you decide to take the Uni route? It's like everything shifted and I had no idea what was next. It threw me even more off-kilter knowing that, barring some tremendous accident--this education was something I would never lose.

Getting/having/making friends. This one is extremely difficult for me. I'm socially awkward, I always have been. When I was younger it was because I didn't want to do what most of the kids around me liked to do, I wanted to play sports that other little girls didn't want to play, and I like to read. I wasn't a total outcast but most of my friends were situational. The next-door neighbor who was my best friend for years until she moved to NM with her family (and just found me on FB by the way!), the first person to talk to me when I moved from a predominately black city to a predominately white country town. The good part of the story is, as I got older, I got better at making small talk and being friendly with people, but I never expected them to stick around as friends. I'm good at being friendly, but being a friend, not so much. It's just...people exhaust me.

'Getting hot/beautiful/attractive' somewhere between high school and college really threw me for a loop. Somehow I went from being 'that cute girl's little sister' to being attractive all on my own. From being known for doing everything (band, cheer, tennis, etc) to having a pretty face on top of being smart (thankyouverymuch) and I didn't know what to do with it. I was known in high school, I was always in the center of attention (pep rallies, performances, assemblies, and the like), but I didn't get dates. The only 'date' I had was going with a friend to prom. Other than that it was nothing. No boyfriend(s), no stolen kisses, no experimenting with guys. I just wasn't seen that way. Then came college. Woah. Guys (and some girls)stopping me on the street, talking to me when I'm sitting at a cafe/Starbucks/outside. But what do you do with that? I know it'll fade, but that takes decades. I'm not saying I don't want to be pretty, but imagine if that happened to you almost overnight. I know if you've been one of the pretty people your entire life it's hard to think of it being any different, but think about it a little. Imagine you went from people coming up to you and saying "I heard that you do [insert activity/school subject here] very well and I was hoping you'd help me out." to "I saw you standing over there and had to talk to you. I was hoping you'd help me out of my pants." Okay, so that second part was implied. What would you do with that? Oh, I'm not finished, keep in mind that you're a quiet person who's always kept to oneself and never had to worry about making small talk, never had to worry about strangers coming up and asking for dates, never had any practice in the dating world. And then people would be shocked! "You don't play games" I never learned sweetie, I never learned. Still haven't. I don't get the appeal, honestly. So now, I just smile, say thanks, and move along.
Serious dating? No thank you, it combines making a friend with sexual attraction. Now you see. Those are number two and three of Things I'm Not Good At Because I Just Don't Understand, Yet.
Topped only by that question: What am I going to do with my life? But rumor has it that, while 2 and 3 are figured out with time, number 1 is always a bit of a mystery.

I'm not surprised...(edited)

2011-09-18T22:51:00.000-07:00

I don't handle ultimatums very well. And I sure as hell-o don't deal with people yelling and/or swearing at me.

You see the thing is, as a teacher, I had to learn how to teach different people. Everyone has a different learning style and part of being a successful instructor of any kind is knowing how to deal with that.
My artistic director and I have never seen eye-to-eye. Well, my ex-artistic director. Things finally came to a head today. I guess you could say he's more of a 'tough love' type person. Sorry hun, this isn't boot camp, you are not my sergeant, and I don't have to give you any respect you didn't earn--you yelling and swearing at me, then telling me that if I leave I quit (or I'm not welcome back...so either I quit or you kicked me off the team, same end point) doesn't make me want to stay. Nope, not at all. It just hardens my resolve.
It's almost been 6 months that things have been on a downward spiral. You say you've never liked my attitude, I say my attitude always flares up when it comes to 'holier than thou' behavior. Unacceptable. Especially when you're a 43 year old man but I'm getting off topic. It got to the point where I dreaded going to practice or doing anything that would require me to see him in an instructor/student capacity. It always had to be just dance.
Take a second and think about that. Dance. The one thing that I do without fail, only of the only things that is guaranteed to make my day infinitely better and I would hate the idea of going to practice if he was there.

So it's over. Sad, in a way. I thought I'd feel bad about it but I just feel...relieved. That's not a usual response. But after thinking about it a little more I realized the only thing I could think of was/is: I'm going to be saving a lot of money. What with the flights and the monthly dues and all.
Shame it had to end on a bad note though, I'm really working on not completely severing ties with people when they piss me off. Although I'd like to point out that, if you're always in the right, why is it that no one enjoys working with you? It gets to a point where you should notice that 50 different people can't work with you, or are you maintaining that it's all of them? They all have the exact same problem: you.

Ah well.

::EDIT September 20th::
So...how do you feel?
I feel...I feel...like 40-something year old men shouldn't still be throwing temper tantrums (that's why you feel like an idiot, don't blame me). And there is so much I could do with the extra $700+ I'll save just between now and December. And that's it. I'd like to be mad, but it's not worth it. Part of me is a little happy (nice try on the power play, but when I leave it's because I'm not coming back), but most of me is just *shrug* it happens because it happens.
A big part of me is relieved. I didn't realize how much negativity was coming from that area (and I'm on a quest, more on that later) and now it's like: I'm free! I'm free! I'm freeeeeee

This weekend is about us.

2011-09-16T22:01:00.000-07:00

No facebook, no phone...just us.
Have I mentioned that I love camping? There are a few people (y'know, the ones that don't know me very well) who think that I couldn't comfortably camp. Liars! The lot of ya! I absolutely love camping. And none of that fake RV-running water-electricity-and-heat business. I'm talking tents, camp fires, bug spray, and, depending on the area, clam-digging/fishing/berry picking.
And hey! Maybe without all of the extra outside stimulation I'll be able to settle on what my next step should be because let me tell you, this indecision bit? Getting old. I'm so focused on what will happen if I do this instead of that that I'm no longer really thinking about what I need to do to be happy. I don't like being unhappy, and I really don't like to be the reason why I'm unhappy (but really, can anyone make you unhappy without your permission?)

On another note, I haven't officially begun training yet but I gave myself a little preemptive fitness test and my word I have a long way to go! The crazy thing is the thing I thought I'd be the worst at I actually did alright in (1.5 mile run, 3pts) whereas the two things I thought would be in the bag I definitely need to work on (push-ups and sit-ups). Funny how that works. I haven't even time the sprint yet. I know I should have started training a long time ago, if not for the test then just for me, but it's hard to get motivated when there are so. many. damn. questions! Bleh.

Running is awesome!

2011-09-09T23:11:00.000-07:00

So I went out for a run with MaPetite, I don't think I've ever talked so much in 2 hours in my life! I kind of liked it though. The best part of the whole thing was, even though right before she left we had a (well, I don't want to say fight because that's giving it too much weight) disagreement, when we hung out today it was, well, awesome! There was no weirdness--none that I felt, anyways, did you?--and we could just be friends. Isn't it amazing when that happens? I guess it's true, after each disagreement there is a chance to become closer.
Although I didn't like that the first minute after straight jogging (I think we did a little under 3 miles without stopping) I felt iffy. As you well know, when it comes to pain or discomfort 60 seconds is a long time. But it passed and the after-glow hit me and it was all good.

I got a job offer in Peru, but unfortunately it was after I already accepted the job at Embassy, so I'm going to see if they'll wait until January, but, in the interest of keeping my options open I've also applied to Costa Rica. I'd really like a job in CR because if everything works out and I end up working there AND getting accepted to the University for Peace it would be amazeballs! [hehe, balls] I could perfect my Spanish, get my Master's, be living abroad, AND still be able to pay off my debt. The debt I only got from being stubborn, but I'm glad I did.

While we're hovering around teaching I'd like to mention that since I've started teaching and I have been required to brush up on all of the grammar rules and regulations that we have my written English has changed a bit. My spoken as well, but not as much. Written, however...Whew boy, I've been told that I sound so formal. I think it's cute. Until someone says something bad about it, I'm sure, then I will still think it's cute and do it more to try to get them to see things my way. See? Stubborn.

So now, I wait. I have until October before my schedule really kicks in (as in I start teaching dance again and begin my volunteer position at First Place and UNICEF---although I'm still looking for an official afternoon job or another volunteer position because I just like to fill my time).

Oh, and in completely separate news, I think Deb O'Naire is just going to be for fun. I was talking to one of the many performers that I've met and she was telling me about how it's her goal to live off of her burlesque earnings like Indigo Blue, for example, and I realized that's not what I want. Sure, I love performing. But I'm okay with only performing a handful of times per year because that's what I need to be happy. I don't want it to be for a paycheck, I want it to be because I wanted others to have a little more Deb in their lives. But I do have two more performances coming up fast. One in October and another in November, which puts me at a solid 6 performances (unless I'm missing one) in my first official year of burlesque. Not bad at all considering I didn't pay to go to a burlesque school (they always give you the opportunity to perform every month).

At first I wasn't sure I wanted burlesque to be for fun. I mean think of all the things I do for fun! Salsa, bachata, my woodwinds, gymnastics, Krav Maga...the list goes on. But that's just what I need. I like being active, but I like that they are all options. So I can focus on the stuff that I want to be a bigger part of my life, like being an ESL teacher, being a foreign language teacher, a dance instructor, and hopefully a spokesperson for international peace (if my other volunteer positions that I've applied for work out).

So I guess, crisis over. It's amazing what one run will do for ya!

Ah, Football.

2011-09-08T18:51:00.000-07:00

If only I cared.
Seriously, I only care about the food. Wait! That's not true.
You see the thing is I love going to games. In order of my preference we have American football, basketball (tied with football), then baseball -- and it's all largely dependent on how close I am to being 'in' the action. I always feel so far away when I'm at baseball games...but then again I only go for the hot dogs and the beer. And the chanting. I love watching grown people acting ridiculous, it reminds us that not everything is ALL THAT SERIOUS.

But when it comes to true dedication (ahem, watching at home) ummm, well I'm hit and miss. If I'm by myself hell no it's not happening. If I throw a party then I'll get excited. Not because of the game, but because I have a reason to wear my jersey, bake themed cookies, and make my (delicious) 7 layer bean dip. I love the energy, the jokes, the laughter...but don't ask me the score I could care less.

And yes, it's true, during football I'm there for the commercials (and food). And the half-time show (and food). And I'm barely paying attention then! (except to the food) I don't care about the score unless I have something riding on it (for example--even though I've never had the pleasure--a friend of mine would check the scores only because she'd always make a bet with her BF: if her team won then she got to tie him up and have her wicked way with him. If his team won...well, he had some seriously dirty stipulations of his own. My delicate ears.)

But one thing I don't understand is when women complain about how into the games the men are. Seriously? I mean seriously.
Think of it this way:
For those of you who like to cook, need a certain amount of alone time, and/or feel like you've just spent 5 months straight glued-at-the-hip to this dude (does that only bother me?) you have reprieve.
You can cook, you can disappear, you are you again!
If none of that matters to you think of the good-good afterwards (or during for some multi-taskers).
Rumor has it that once he gets that testosterone all riled up by all of the surrounding testosterone by watching an inhumane amount of testosterone well...all that energy has got to go somewhere. You're welcome.
If you are a sports nut...well, I don't think you have this problem.

Weekend Recap...this time with video

2011-09-05T17:23:00.000-07:00

It's kind of a long video, so you don't really have to watch it, I was just excited that my computer is working again! I'm going to bullet point because, well I'm prone to rambling and it's just faster this way.

~The Virus~
-It appeared sometime Friday night or Saturday morning...and completely took over!
-It was blocking everything that was related to the internet.
-I was trying everything that Wis said...but it just wasn't working.
-I almost gave in and went to the Geek Squad (I just couldn't say goodbye to my music library)
-but then I tried the safe mode thing one more time (I have 4 different safe modes, isn't that interesting/weird) and it worked!
In yo face virus! Facial, full facial.

~Camping~
-Okay, so I already mentioned that my feelings were hurt that they didn't invite me for the dance team bonding trip.
-but one of my dance partners (I have 3; 2 guys, 1 girl) got time off work and so we were going to drive down for one day and night.
-but THEN she got called into work and I woke up with blinding pain on Sunday so I wouldn't have been able to drive anyways. Well, not comfortably, because my hip was PISSED.

~The hip~
-So really it was my back. I think I pinched a nerve and it happened to correlate with the right side of my body, from my back to my butt-thigh. And here's the thing: out of all the stuff I do I think it was when I was doing this little step-leap thing over my folded clothes.
-I ended up spending all Sunday icing it and waiting for the pain to go away. You know I don't deal with modern medicine. Not only does it cause more problems than it fixes, but normally it makes my stomach freak out.

~Today~
I'm happy. The weekend, even though so many things went wrong, was still pretty awesome. I had a clean house, got the chance to read SuperFreakonomics, got my dance on, watched a bunch of movies (including How to Marry a Millionaire, Gentlemen Prefer Blondes, Flashdance, and Mortal Kombat), watched a bunch of tv shows (Hello How I Met Your Mother and Psych!) and exercised through most of the pain.

Big thanks to Wis for taking time out of his holiday weekend to help me out, I really appreciate it.

Oh, and I updated my anti-virus software. Next step: backing up my computer regularly.

AND I think I've become one of those women. Y'know, an ogler. I'm not gonna lie, one of the reasons I like fight movies so much is because I like the bodies. Mmm, muscles. But this sex sabbatical has amped my appreciation to whole 'nother level!

The One without a Video (and a Virus) ~Update~

2011-09-04T09:39:00.000-07:00

So I think I got that virus that Wis mentioned...but I think it might be a different virus. I mean all of the symptoms are the same except...it's not keeping me from posting (?). It's just taking over my entire computer. Punk. I don't know what to tell you except BEWARE! Disregard if you have virus protection software that's up-to-date. That last part is important.

Look! A video! Well there was almost a video.

But then it didn't work. Shame, that. And it may be lost forever. Forever being however long it takes to get my computer back from the depths of...I don't know where to go with that.

Anyhow, so back to this computer virus that's kicking my ass. I don't know if I should cave and go to the Geek Squad or keep trying stuff. But it's a holiday weekend, if I don't figure it out myself I'd need to go to the Geek Squad or wait until Tuesday when the tech-savvies return from their respective weekend trips and I'm worried that the longer it's on my computer the stronger it gets...is that possible? Alright, okay, next time my security expires I'll update it right away! {psst, I'm lying. Well, maybe.}

Oh, that wasn't so long.

PS. Oh, and the original point of the post and video was to tell you that I'm actually buying a domain name and everything. How exciting.

PPS. All of that is from last night...this morning I'd like to add that somewhere between 10 pm and 1 am I BROKE MY HIP. Okay, not really, but it hurts like a mofo. After all that dancing, cleaning, playing with the dog, laundry, and a good healthy dose of sitting on my arse watching movies I hurt myself stepping over a pile of clothes (I think). Sleeping was painful. Walking is interesting. And I'm no longer gonna make fun of [old] people who break their hips. This ish is painful.

Here's the update:

I found out that all new anti-viruses require the internet to properly install and well, work, basically. So I have two options: take my laptop to a tech center and have them 'extract' the virus using whatever fancy tools that they have and apparently can't give me/tell me how to use OR I can restore my laptop to factory settings. If I can find the disk. You see I threw away what I thought was my old laptop disk, but, after looking in my computer case and realizing that I have the old disk and not the new one, I'm thinking that I, in fact, threw away the very disk that I need to make my computer whole again. Guess what?! It's not compatible with this one! So...luckily the sister has the same laptop. If she still has the disk.

And I know I'm probably the last to realize this but I'm a disgrace to my generation. And my city. Seriously, what is it with me and technology that just doesn't go together? I mean I may even be the last person to NOT have the ability to email and/or facebook and/or blog from my phone!

Trying NOT to let my feelings get hurt...

2011-09-03T09:52:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I've always been socially awkward. I'm mean, I'm sarcastic, I'm quite sassy...I tend to hurt people's feelings so, like a good girl, I generally don't talk instead of offending everyone. It makes me feel weird to hold back all the little snippy comments that my real friends know and love (yep, allllll 4 of them) and my family finds high-larious! and so I act a little strange and stand-offish---which totally isn't on purpose---and then I actually have the opposite affect while still having the same effect because they think I'm weird and don't want me around (or they think I'm stuck-up--I swear, I'm just quiet!) instead of being offended because I say everything that people don't want to--but really need to--hear. Holy run-on!
Anyway. So basically it's a vicious cycle.
But I have been trying (sorta) with the dance team. And even if I wasn't it's still bad form for what happened to me to happen to anyone!
Here's my sob story:
So, I find out on practice on Sunday that this weekend there is a camping trip. Big bonding dancing camping trip. EVERYBODY had been invited. Oh, you know, except for me.
"Oh, don't worry about it, we'll send you the information during the week. That was such an accident."
Didn't get the info. Still waiting.
Log on to facebook (they said it was a fb invite) and find out that this amazing chicka (who's beautiful, and tall, and sassy, AND dances. That bitch) who ISN'T EVEN ON THE DANCE TEAM is on her way to the camping trip. Say whaa?! She's awesome, so I know why she was invited, but how in the hell are you gonna forget to invite someone who is actually ON the dance team and remember to invite everyone else.

I decided not to let it bother me (whoops! Too late!). Yeah...so it bothers me.

I am trying here people! And mishaps like this don't help. It's just painful...and I don't see the extra 'friendships' being worth it.

The One Where I Talk About Everything

2011-08-31T20:21:00.000-07:00

The whole 'no sex' thing:

Someone congratulated me on taking a man-cation. Ummm, let me stop you right there sugar pie. I'm not taking a man-cation. Well, not in the way you are thinking. I'm not doing this because some man did me wrong, or I need to find out who I am outside of a relationship, or any other of those non-reasons you spouted off that I wasn't really listening to. Let me be completely honest: I have gotten everything I've asked for from every man that I have dealt with. Granted one situation wasn't exactly ideal, but in his defense I didn't ask, so he didn't tell, and he did his girlfriend dirty more so than me (and it ended shortly thereafter, what can I say, I have standards). Anyhoodle, it's more because I'm trying to think of men as something other than meat. I've heard they have thoughts, dreams, ideas, personalities and crap. Which leads me into...

Learning how to be with somebody:

Men are people, not objects. I have this really bad habit of treating people based on what I can get from them (at least at first). So I guess, not just men, but people in general. I have some really affectionate friends but I get uncomfortable with physical affection. For me it's pretty much 'If we aren't having sex I don't see why you should be touching me' until now. Lately I've been seeing things from the other side of things. Like it's nice to cuddle with people every now and then (okay, so I haven't actually cuddled with anyone, but I have had lingering hugs, and I think that counts!). Dancing helps. But it also kind of sucks. My dancing partners are always affectionate (mayhaps that's why I'm starting to see the other side of things) but outside people might be confused. I mean why would you be affectionate to somebody you don't plan on seeing naked? Clearly I have a ways to go.

Dancing is still what it is. There's something about it, it's the only time I feel at all attractive. And cared for. And close to the person I'm dancing with. Again, it's nice.

Although I will admit that I think it's strange I don't have a crush. Why am I not fantasizing about more men? It's good and it's bad. Normally when I'm taking care of myself (an orgasm a day keeps the doctor away) I think about my man du jour. Lately I haven't been. Sure, there are guys that I'm interested in (including one that for the life of me I can't seem to stop liking. It's faded a bit, I don't like him as much as say...a year ago, but there's still a little something there) but none that it's to the point where I want to dress up, or do something different with my makeup, or my hair, or whatever. Although I did proposition one of my dance partners. What can I say? He's hot. Oh and and and! Is it weird that of all the sexual things I could be missing I miss kissing the most? Sex is great and all (for him, I haven't had the pleasure--I think I just answered my question) but all I think about is how long it will be until I have another really good kiss. I guess there's nothing stopping me from doing that. Except every guy that I've willingly AND soberly kissed I've ended up getting naked with. Huh. I'm sure that makes me sound easy, which I am, but the number isn't as high as you think. I'll tell you that, in my life, I've kissed all of 10 males. I just think that the mouth is extremely erotic and intimate. Everything involving it (eating, kissing, oral sex) seems personal to me. My friend thinks this is weird. And she thinks it's crazy that I won't allow a man to go down on me. It's my own personal rule. It's much more intimate than bumping uglies! So I'm waiting until I really care about a man (at least enough to actually BE IN a relationship) before that happens. Which isn't to say that I won't go down on a guy (it's my weirdness, not his) and if you don't like doing that I say you're doing it wrong! And if you aren't convinced: try, try again.

Switching gears, I do like my job. I'm still wondering what else is out there but at the moment I'm happy. I like my coworkers, my students are adorable (some of them are absolutely f**kable--wait, what? Whoops), and I'm making enough to keep my head above water. So yeah, overall, it's all good.

The only issue I'm having is with my weight. See, the thing is I've recently started taking birth control again, y'know, just to help with the painful period issue (I swear, if I pass out again...) but some things aren't working for me. Let me expound. Thanks to the cyclothymia regular oral birth control is out of the question. You see the hormones (even when I'm on the lower dosage) make my mood swings RIDICULOUS. So my options were pretty much deal with the crazy, deal with the painful periods, or get a patch or implant or something. The crazy is bad enough by itself, I refuse to deal with the passing out-doubled over in pain-vomiting up my food every. other. month, and I'd rather not have something stuck on or in me that could cause problems later (and the pain, no thank you). So, because I'm not having sex I was told it was okay to take expired pills. You see, it doesn't have enough hormones to completely protect me from unwanted pregnancy (but not having sex helps with that bit), but it does give me enough to keep me from getting my period. Win-Win. Except: weight gain. Ugh. I was happy when my boobs got bigger within the first week, I was less than pleased when I realized that I gained 15 pounds in one month. So it's pretty much stop taking them and let my metabolism do its job (wonderful metabolism, how I love thee) or watch what I eat more carefully and work out more strenuously (instead of just whenever I want an extra boost and/or the endorphins). What a pickle.

I'm still checking into different MA programs. I want to do all of my research before getting excited and moving elsewhere, so we'll see what happens. Here are the top three: University of Peace, University of Miami, and International University of Geneva. They all have what I want, but I need to decide what route I'm going to take. I'll decide soon though.

Oh! And I'm going to Turkey! LA is moving there for a job, so I'm gonna save up and visit her. And since, for the first time in 6 years, I don't have quarterly tuition/other school-related fees I can actually write out a budget that I know won't fall by the wayside. Besides, it's cheaper for me to fly to Turkey that it was for me to fly to Europe AND S. America! How weird is that? I mean the cheapest I found to most S. American countries was 1 thousand, and the cheapest I got to Europe was $800. I found tickets for only $500!! Unbelievable!

Speaking of traveling friends MaPetite is coming back sooner than expected! This time next week I'll be able to sit in a little cafe and talk a ridiculous amount about how I can never seem to make up my mind and hear stories about her Brazilian life. Weird, huh?

Hmm...well, I touched on the most exciting things in my life. So...what's up with you?

What do you do to keep yourself happy?

2011-08-23T19:05:00.000-07:00

I'm not as happy as I was 6 months ago.
I'm not as happy as I was 3 months ago.

You know what changed? I graduated. Which is good, sure. But...

Now I don't have shackles. I can't keep telling myself that I need to stay here for school, I'm only stressed because of school, and/or things will be better once I'm out of school and can make some serious choices.

Because let me tell you, now I need a reason to stay and a reason to leave, I'm stressed because I have to pay for the school, and things are more complicated now that I'm out of school and most of my 'serious choices' have 'serious repercussions'.

Let me be honest. I love my jobs. I love teaching, I love languages, I love dancing, and just the fact that I not only get to use these on a [semi-] daily basis and get paid for it definitely tickles me happy.

I don't like thinking that, if this is the start of my career as a teacher (well, a pre-start, it doesn't really start until I get my MA) I'm not ready to settle down and stay here FOREVER. Especially since I really can teach anywhere and get paid. Well. In some cases more than what I'm getting paid here.

I love knowing what's in the future. Knowing that almost exactly 3 years from now I will be putting a down-payment on a house has me unbelievably excited!

I don't like that so much of my money right now is going to distracting myself from the mundane. I keep thinking that, instead of paying to dance bachata I could spend a year in the Dominican where it'll be there. Every night. House parties, clubs, bars. Free. Sure sometimes I'll pay (clubs are clubs, after all). But it won't be the amount I spend here. Getting paid to be in Spain and learning Flamenco during my free time. Going to any Spanish speaking country and learning the language in the moment and making instead of spending, hundreds of dollars per month to do so.

I don't like living at home, but I am still only working part-time so I made the choice to stay at home and live mildly annoyed while getting my hustle on to find another job and/or a place that meets my standards that I can afford (unless I get a roommate and/or find 10k on the ground it's not looking good) instead of living outside my means or in a place where I have to worry about getting robbed while getting robbed.

I love having options, even if those options are knocking me for a loop right about now.

So here's what I'm gonna do...

2011-08-17T18:51:00.000-07:00

I'm sure you may be getting tired of this back-and-forth bit. It's like: Look woman, are you staying or not? Get it together.

And the official answer is: I don't know.

Believe me I am trying! To know, that is.

And I am sick, sick sick sick of waiting to see if this happens to make that happen or wanting this to happen but going with that because it's easy and once upon a time I planned to do it because I seem to do one hundred and one things at a time because what can I say I like to keep busy and I never thought I would have to choose between the things that I like to do the things I want to do and the things that I'm good at doing because in one way or another they overlap or maybe that's just in my head because when I tell other people about that they look at me like I'm crazy because there is no way anyone could do all of that but I can so SCHNUH! {deep breath}

So while deciding between MA-TESOL, a MA in Romance Languages (hello, languages win! but as of right now TESOL is paying the bills...so), AND the possibility of a MIB (I was thinking about it, instead of getting two Master's, one in International Studies and the other in Business, why not combine the work?) Between Seattle, Geneva, and Miami.

About whether I should cash out and work for the big company now (please please! I wouldn't mind working for this company. And they are international AND I'll need my French daily, AND there's so much room for growth that no matter what my MA is [umm, except TESOL] it will help me) or keep teaching English for chump change--which only really helps me if I decide to continue with the TESOL, otherwise...ummm, why?

But. I like my job. I like my coworkers (minus one). And let's not forget that with TESOL I could be traveling to the Dominican Republic and/or Brazil to teach for a bit. {sigh} I just want to do it all.

So here's what I was thinking, are you ready for this?

Take the GRE (it's good for 5 years, dontchaknow) and send it to each of the schools with my preferred programs (so, one TESOL, one MIB, one romance languages, and one international studies if I can send it to four for free). BUT in waves.

{ahem, I've put entirely too much thought into this}

So, I can continue working here, and if I get accepted to the DR program GREAT I leave for 5-ish months (minimum) which then strengthens my RL/IS application(s), and in the year between the two I could do the one-year intensive MIB in Geneva.

Boom! 3 years, 2 foreign countries, 1 MIB and starting a MA.

I could continue working here, get the job at the big international company, work both jobs while applying to the local international studies (MAIS) and during the year (well, 9 month) wait time I could complete the TESOL.

BOOM! Good job, keep the TESOL AND I get in all the business I want and need. Say whaaa?!?

Multiple, so many options. Gaah!

But seriously, Geneva? Santo Domingo? Ummm, why did I say I'd stay here, again?

Dating while Dancing

2011-08-13T22:25:00.000-07:00

It's no surprise that I like a man who can dance. Lately my version of watching a dirty flick is going on youtube and watching the men who really know how to get down (mainly hip hop, but occasionally a good Rumba/salsa/bachata dancer works as well).

However, I still hesitate to date a dancer.

Which sucks, really, because with all of the dancing I've been doing lately I spend more and more time with the dancing set. And, well, it's a bit hypocritical because while I would rather not date a dancer anyone who dates me will be doing just that. I guess the big difference is -- I KNOW I can turn on the sex-vibe without actually hitting the sheets with whomever I may be dancing with, that and my dance partner and I, while friends (and becoming closer friends by the week), will never have sex with each other--but I have no idea if this is true for the gents.

It must be trust issues. Not only do I know how incestuous the dance world is, but I also wonder if that heat is good dancing, acting, and sexual tension...or just a display of exactly how hot things are between them both in and out of the bed.

That and I consistently dance with people (one in particular) that I really want to ride. But I say no because that's the way I am...I'm just a little tease, I guess. But I've been told that guys aren't quite so quick to say no. Fancy that.

So what I'm really saying is:

I'm a spoiled little brat. I want my man to dance, but I want him to (mainly) just do it with me!

Somewhat unrelated sidenote: I heard somewhere that two dimes can't date. Not just because they are so rare in the world and it's JUST NOT FAIR, but then who will be the prize? What will keep them together when everyone wants a piece of the other? And seriously, the chances of two dimes finding and keeping one another are so statistically improbable that the very action may cause an implosion in the dating world. This sidenote doesn't really have a point. I just heard it and so I was wondering...

Do you think two dimes can date?

Well, it's time for TMI

2011-08-10T22:47:00.000-07:00

It might be more than you ever wanted to know about me but I'm just going to come out and say it...

I miss sex.

The kicker is, I never really got it good and I'm pretty sure I'm not even good at it.

But...I can feel it....it's just RIGHT THERE. And how will I get good at it (and, y'know, get the good good-good, of course) if I don't practice?!
Y'know what they say...(see what I did there?)

I want to get to the point where...Pause! Let me tell you a story:

A friend of mine and I were once talking about sex (obviously) it went something like this:

TheFriend: Oh, I had a little thing with so-and-so.
Me(or someone else privy to the convo): Was it any good?
TheFriend: Well, it wasn't bad. I don't deal with bad sex.
Me: What do you mean, if it's bad it's bad.
TF: Umm, no. If it's not working for me I just get on top and work it. We both enjoy it more that way.

Of course I'm paraphrasing because my memory's a little rusty...but DAMN. Oh wait, DAYUM. I want I need I must have that power and sexual finesse.

Here's the kicker for me: I don't like having sex just to have sex. Not in my makeup. I know someone who will have sex with anyone because she just needs the sex. Can't do it. Won't do it. I need the attraction!

Oh, and another thing?

You know that whole 'size doesn't matter' thing? I maintain that that is only true if you haven't had a big one, then all bets are off.

My problem? The first guy I gave it up to was not only 6 kinds of fine (/sexy/insert something here) but he was definitely packing! And he was also the only guy that tried really hard to make sure I got there too.

Did I? Ummm, no. I don't know about all of you, but my first time involved a lot of pain! So it was pretty much a "holy shite that hurts-don't move maybe it'll hurt less-hey that's actually starting to feel good-damn it you moved now it hurts again"-type situation.

Not to say I didn't try with average Joe...it just wasn't the same as being able to feel, well, full to keep it as clean as possible. Now that was a delicious feeling. Not being able to stand or sit properly the next day. Delicious squared, especially when I remembered why.

But wait, where was I?

Ah yes, so average Joe was fun, entertaining, worthwhile (at least until he tried to change it into something it wasn't) but it wasn't that thing I've heard about. You know? I've heard it may not be the best thing in the world, it damn sure isn't the worst, but nothing quite compares to it. Didn't get that feeling. Hence why I think I'm bad at it as well. Sure the guy always got there, but the guy always gets there. But that whole "seeing stars, can't get enough, I think I passed out for a minute there"? Never happened. But that also might be because (aside from the first) most of the time I'm thinking "Hmm, well, I could do better than this by myself. No vibrator either, just me."

I'm worried y'all. Is this because I'm doing without (it has been a looooonnnnng time)? Is it because it's time? Either way I've gotten to pondering:

If I'm this bad when I've had the mediocre, how will I react when it's good and is taken away from me?!

Ants in my Pants

2011-08-07T19:26:00.000-07:00

And it has nothing to do with sex (for once). By the way--celibacy? Not all it's cracked up to be. I'm about to hump a tree. But they do say that it gets easier. Although I would like to know, who the hell is this 'they'?

Anymyhoohoodoesn'tgetanyactionanymore, this is really about how restless I'm getting. Even dance isn't giving me as much satisfaction anymore. I'm antsy, restless, waiting to see what might happen next. I really need something new to get me excited again. Maybe I could start doing Krav more often. Or maybe become better at another dance form that I've tried for funsies. Just...something.
My first thought (of course) was to run off to another country. Which I still have time for, after all I have 3 years until I've got the mortgage payment and whatnot. But I'm trying to find something that works for me that doesn't require leaving the country whenever my high wears off and I'm no longer content. So I have a list. Distractions. It includes dance, learning how to shoot a gun, becoming proficient in a martial art, learning another language, and--something that I've been putting off until I can actually buy the vehicle--starting my motorcycle training. But I have to walk that line between doing too much and too little, spending too much and living comfortably. I'll figure it out, for sure.

In the meantime I'm budgeting for a personal vacation. I think if I took off for a week all by my lonesome it would really help, after all, that's why I enjoy country hopping so much. I rely on myself and get to learn about new cultures, languages, dances....{sigh} I need to figure some stuff out for sure.

Am I begrudging them their happiness?

2011-07-30T18:08:00.000-07:00

I'll be honest. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have a permanent companion, a travel buddy, a partner in crime...with whom I had sex. But marriage? The thought normally makes me shudder, I didn't know why until Wanda Sykes (hilarious woman!) put it into words: Marriage is a business deal, and in order for any business to be successful you have to produce something.

Kids.

Oh, how I love them. When they aren't mine. But the idea of having my own little creature that I'd supposedly love more than life itself and have the tremendous responsibility of trying to make sure is decent and hopefully not an idiot and sane and all without harming it in it's vital years while hoping it'll grow up to do more-be more-have more than I ever did is...exhausting. Just the idea. Exhausting.

So, why get married if it isn't to have kids. Shoot, you don't even need to be married to have them! They are really just by-products, accidents, really shitty side-effects to having happy time.

But they are supposed to be the epitome of a happy, full life. You somehow aren't complete unless you've established that your line will live on.

All of this because I saw a fb update. A girl I cheered with in high school is so happy that next week she'll be Mrs. Guy-that-was-on-the-football/wrestling-team-that-we-used-to-cheer-for. From what I can see she is happy with how her life has turned out thus-far. So why am I being so mean about it? Everybody doesn't have the urge to get out of their hometown and find out what else might be out there. Hell, some people leave and return because the big bad world wasn't their cup of tea.

What gives me the right to be so ruthless when I see her sheer happiness about settling down and getting married?

Besides being a bitch and refusing to settle in any way.

Taking a breather...but am I really?

2011-07-28T20:45:00.000-07:00

I have been out of school for a little over a month. I've been back, y'know, living in Washington exclusively for a little over 2 years. As of right now, this is the least I've done in the past 5 years, only having 2 jobs and staying in one place.

I thought I'd be happy.
Don't get me wrong, I still support my idea (fancy that) to stay here and keep traveling to the summers (although, it will be quarter-long travel, as in spending 3 months in a place, instead of 2 weeks)...I just feel like something is missing.

I gave myself this year to figure out what that is. Even if it isn't really a year, because I plan on going back to school next year, which means I have to take my GRE and get all of my application materials ready by December. But after that I'll just be waiting for the responses, so I guess that'll be my 'break' of sorts. Almost 9 months, that could be a year.

Which means that sometime soon I need to decide if I want to go for just a MA or go ahead and go for the Ph.D. If I do both at the same time I get more funding because, honestly, a Ph.D in Romance Languages = a job teaching at a University and/or with the government. And a MA = teaching at a school and eventually leads to a Ph.D anyways but what if I get through with the MA and want my Ph.D to be in something else? I doubt that'll happen...but still.

Anyhow...I'm looking at the University of Miami because they have the 5-year Ph.D program, they have a partner Embassy school (meaning I'll only need to transfer instead of looking for another job) and HELLO I can definitely dance there!

We'll see...

Stranger Danger!

2011-07-21T19:44:00.000-07:00

So, one thing after another has tried to sabotage my performance in San Francisco (stupid money and your stupid ways) so, as a last ditch effort, I decided to *gulp* craigslist it and find a rideshare. Lo and behold, there is someone else who is going to SF for the weekend. YAY.
Sure, it's some person I have never met before, sure that's how most horror stories start, sure it may not be the best idea...but it's happening. Because the more things get in my way the more stubborn (or, for a positive spin: DETERMINED) I am to make these things happen.
I may end up with some awesome travelling stories and possibly a new friend.
Or I may end up dead in a ditch somewhere.

Either way, it's a risk I'm taking.

The things I do to dance.

Teacher Teacher!

2011-07-20T08:57:00.000-07:00

So far, I enjoy it. Being a teacher. My coworkers are kind enough to show me the ropes, I hopped right into my classes, and my students are ADORABLE.

This is just a mini-post about one of my SA students. He's 25, married ("Of course!" is what he said when I asked "At 25?!") and I don't know if you know, but in SA females can't travel without a male companion. Males can, of course, and they have the final decision whether their wives do or not.

His wife is here with him. Because she wanted to come.
Watching the two of them together tugs at my heartstrings.
I have no idea how long they've been married, but the point is, when class was over, she walked in, walked her fingers down his arm, and put her hand in his hand. When he looked down his face lit up in the most beautiful smile. It was the sweetest thing I've seen all week.

Look at me, they're turning me into a sap.

I have returned!

2011-07-16T22:14:00.000-07:00

Have you ever been to a place where, although the location itself is underwhelming, the people make you want to stay forever?
That was Jamaica for me.
Don't get me wrong, the island is beautiful, but after being spoiled last year in the Dominican Republic these people had a lot to live up to. Sadly, the hotel and our piece of beach (and the little I saw of the actual city) did not live up. I understand that both islands have their share of strife, but it is obvious once you compare the two that Jamaica truly is poorer.
However!
The people more than made up for it. The women were fun and witty, the men were (from a strictly physical standpoint) HOT DAYUM! As a whole, well, I don't know how to explain it, just the vibe I got was very welcoming.

Not only were men and women alike complementing me (delightful salve for my wounded ego)--sans makeup!--but I could actually talk to them. Again, I can't really explain it, it was just a feeling that I got.

If I could get the Dominican's aura of stability with the Jamaican people I'd be a happy gal.

Once upon a time a friend of mine asked me if I had a racial preference. I said no (of course, I have no preference that I can think of) but I wondered if I was lying. [I have a point, I promise] The thing is, growing up where finding your own race is down to a measly 3% (at least in the areas I frequent) of course the odds of me dating or being attracted to my own race dwindles. I have standards, dammit!, and if 97% of my choices aren't my race then I'd say I have a 97% chance of bunkin up with someone else. See?! Equal opportunity.
But still, I was worried.
More so when I went to the Dominican and only found men I wanted to dance with and/or just stare at for a little bit.
Rest assured that I found Jamaican men so. very. attractive. YUM. So much chocolate I had a hankerin for some milk.
Which is funny because LA went to Jamaica a couple of years ago and they didn't rock her boat like they did mine. She said, and I quote: "Jamaican men are scary"
I respectfully disagree. I found plenty of incredible, edible, almost irresistible men.

But that's not all. The family got on board with zip lining! Not only can I cross something off TheBigList but it was just plain amazing! What is it with me and being in the air. Skydiving, zip lining, constant plane travel here and there...I love every minute of it!

Speaking of, I spent this entire month thinking that SF International Bachata Fest was the last weekend in July, turns out it's next weekend. Oops and crap. Still excited though, guess I won't rest until the week after next. It'll be glorious.

But back to zip lining. Should I tell you about the time that I didn't see the guide telling me to brake and zoomed into his arms with open arms (and legs)? Does it matter that he didn't fall over when he caught me? Is it worthwhile to mention that this was the same (delicious AND deliciously muscular--obvi) man that was flirting with me nonstop the entire time?
Yes. Yes. and YES.
Sigh, good for the ego indeed. (and yes, I use delicious for EVERYTHING)

Which brings me to this. I am in decent shape (my sprint through the Charlotte airport proves this. 20 minutes to get through immigration, recheck baggage, airport security, AND get to the gate? Damn straight if it saves me the 8 hours of having to travel through Arizona to get home). I am muscular, I am flexible, I'm just not small.
So I have decided: enough with that! I don't need to be small, just strong. I'm sure I will have setbacks, but coming off the high of men who like my body as is, being able to sprint across an airport (one 2-minute, one 3-minute), being able to dance an entire night, being able to do push ups and what-not. I WILL learn how to appreciate my body. I guess this is the first step. Second step: I need to learn how to pose!

Family Bonding

2011-07-09T18:32:00.000-07:00

Oh, by the way, July is AWESOME. For me, y'all might be having your own problems....

Think about it, I kicked off July in Vegas dancing to my heart/feet/mind's content. Then come back in time for Fourth of July festivities (BBQ! BBQ!) and in time to secure my job. I even had time to teach a quick class (and find out that I'm starting full-time instead of part-time. YAY! Even though full-time at an English school is over 18hr/wk which is part-time everywhere else) before getting ready for the family vacation!

We aren't even halfway done with July and, if I had the option, I'd do it again next week. That's not all though. I still have my first official two weeks working (honeymoon period and all, so I'm excited) AND THEN the San Francisco Bachata Festival. I'm excited about the dancing (of course), the lap dancing workshop (that's right) and seeing Ithaca perform, it's the only bachata group that I've actually been interested in since before I was officially dancing bachata. They are based in the Dominican Republic, I love their style, and face it, I'm looking to network...I still might move there.

Although, I've been thinking more and more about this traveling bit and I may make it a seasonal type thing. Instead of having to restart my life/search for work/move in with the parentals while I get every taken care of, what if I did it only 3 months of the year?
Every year I pick a place, pick a cause (Habitat for Humanity, Water Rights, and everyone is always looking for volunteer English teachers), and go for the summer? As a teacher I wouldn't have to worry about losing my job and everything is set up for when I come back. Sure, it's not a year, but it's the only way I can think of where I get the best of both worlds, a little bit of everything that I want. I'm thinking about it. We'll see what happens.

PS I think I went on a date last night. I didn't know it was a date when I went, but when I got home it dawned on me: Maybe I just had my first date with ____. I'm still not sure, that means it wasn't, right?

Vegas sucks, the congress ROCKED

2011-07-07T13:06:00.000-07:00

Okay, so really, we all know that there really isn't anything in Vegas for me. I don't understand gambling (boring!) and I don't enjoy over-indulging in alcohol. So what did I do? I drank. I danced. I had myself a grand ole time.

I hesitate to say that I made friends with the other team members, but I did spend more time with them than I would normally, and enjoyed myself. The little pre-parties before social dancing all night can add up to quite a bit of bonding.

Anyhow, let me do a recap:

Friday: Flew out ridiculously early to get the Vegas with enough time to take a couple of workshops (1 bachata, 1 turns on 1--both left a lot to be desired, IMO, but it was still 2 hours of dance, so...), take a nap, go to tech, and then perform. I have mixed feelings about the performance, but overall it didn't look too bad. And I was so glad that our performance was on the first day. Stress. GONE. Then we had a little bit of a pre-party and time to dance. The best part about the Congress was there was dancing with various djs (of course only salsa, bachata, cha cha, and merengue) from 11pm (the time the shows ended) until 4 am! I did not stay up until 4, I ended up heading back to the room around 2:30, I had stuff to do Saturday!

Saturday: The day for workshops. Workshops where from 10-4p Fri/Sat/Sun. Both Fri and Sun didn't have that many workshops I was interested in. Saturday, however...4 workshops! Turns on 2, bachata, rumba, and hip hop. It was fantastic! Okay, so I only really liked the first and the last one (I mean hip hop, HELLO)...but 2/4 is better than 0/2 and I didn't feel like I wasted my time with the other two...they just weren't at the level they were supposed to be.

Then LA showed up, I had the chance to hang with her for a little. I just saw her in April, it's nice to not have to wait another year before I could see her again.

Then it was back to the dancing! Another show to watch, another get-together to drink at/to, and then more social dancing. Again, we only lasted until 2:30.

Sunday I could finally relax...kind of. I woke up and, as soon as I got out of bed, my feet let me know how they felt about the sudden influx of dancing! So the pool? Yes please. Spent the early afternoon dancing in the water. Then took the only workshop that interested me that day: Afro-Cuban/Palo. I almost didn't go because I was so disappointed with the Rumba workshop but man I'm glad I did. It was hands down the best workshop! And Serguey. Yum! Oh and then we went back to the pool. Nap time, show time (some of these girls are so flexible!), then it was the official party to celebrate Syssel's (not his real name, just what I call him) 21st birthday! I have mixed feelings. I went along because I was excited to dance to hip hop. I was told there would be something other than Latin and/or techno. Latin I can't ever get enough of, but some of the others wanted a change of pace, techno I just don't like. We went to XS (for free, hell to tha no I'm not paying 30 to get in to a place that was playing...TECHNO). I was less than pleased. The fact that they only played techno and then everyone in the group was dancing more of a Latin dance fusion to the music anyways irritated me a little bit. Maybe because I wasn't drunk. I mean they said they wanted to get away from Latin just to do it anyways to crappy non-music music. I guess I wouldn't have minded if I was prepared for it, but I wasn't. I headed back to the hotel at 4a. Then headed to an after-party with TheOtherWoman (we're more of a foursome than two partnered partners). That's right, we were leaving our hotel room @ 5 am (after she did a quick wardrobe/makeup change) to go out dancing. It was only for about an hour though. Then it was back to take a nap until I had to leave for Seattle.

Overall, totally worth it!

Krav, Dancing, and You Can Call Me Stella

2011-06-30T22:18:00.000-07:00

'Cause guess who got her groove back. Ey-oh!

Okay, this Krav thing? Best. Idea. Ever. I love every class! You can miss me with the shadow-boxing that we do as part of our warm-up, but when we get to the part where we're kicking/punching the crap out of the bag/pad/each other I am one happy camper. So much so that theSister looks at me like "Hey girl what?" and frequently asks me where all of the aggression is coming from. Inside, Sister, inside. Gone are the days when I just sit back and let other fight my (physical) battles for me.

Tomorrow is the big performance at LV Salsa Festival. I'm more excited than scared...maybe because after a 4 minute performance (we only got 4 minutes, 4 minutes) I get to relax, take classes, and root on my other teams. If this money thing wasn't weighing so heavily on me I would really kick back.
But money is temporary...besides I start working (as an EFL teacher) in 2 weeks, so really I don't have *much* to worry about.

Oh, and the groove thang. I don't know what it was, but for all of May and most of June I've been a little off. This is where we move into TMI territory...
My sex drive plummeted. I wasn't getting the O I lovingly give myself everyday (I still did occasionally, let's not get carried away...but you know what I mean). Now was it the lack of happy time that made me feel bad? Or was it the feeling bad that lead to lack of happy time which led to me feeling worse? Me no know but I wasn't a happy camper. But now it's like a whole other ballgame. I'm still celibate but I'm back to the daily O because it's what makes the world go 'round. Of course it comes (hehehee) with it's drawbacks. Namely that I'm ready to hop on a certain guy (or two) and have my naughty way, but really, what guy wouldn't want that? Not the point...getting way of topic. Celibacy. Yes. That's right.
Not too bad as long as I stay active. With the Krav, hip hop, salsa, and bachata I'm doing alright...I'm, dare I say it? Moving into happy territory.

But let's not get excited, I'm still want the big DR and/or Korea to happen, regardless of how happy I may be at this moment.

2 days. 2 performances

2011-06-26T02:16:00.000-07:00

BROWNlezque was last night. A kick-off to the pride festivities that have taken over the streets, clubs, and homes as of yesterday.
My number was very well received! I nixed the humor part and went with Sexy Sexerson, I ended the routine dripping in chocolate sauce, oh, and then I licked it off of my leg (so I'm flexible. What?! What?!). I'm so glad I did it! My reasons are threefold. Interested? But of course:
~I've discovered that I CAN do sexy. Yay!
~I've turned what was an old (ahem, sex) song of mine and Alpha's into a routine. Now I'll think about ME every time I hear it instead of US. MY dancing, MY audience's reaction, ME ME ME.
and all of this is almost completely topped by the fact that
~The REIGNING QUEEN OF BURLESQUE MISS EXOTIC WORLD 2011 told me how much she liked my routine! Indigo Blue! She's actually based in Seattle, as of April of this year has been crowned Miss Exotic World, this amazing woman gets paid enough to live comfortably (!!) JUST by doing burlesque and SHE liked MY routine! ME. The newbie who's only been at this for 6 months!
That's like a new artist getting complimented by Prince, Marie Taglioni complimenting a budding ballerina, some other amazing performing artist at the top of their game complimenting someone who just started...okay, so I couldn't think of a third example.

THEN I had the bachata performance.
Whew doggie! My parents and theSister came to see this one. I felt shaky the entire time, but we did great! I'm loving this.
I'm loving all of this.

Maybe staying here a little longer won't be all that bad.

Don't fight...but if you do Kick. Some. Ass. ~Dad

2011-06-22T21:40:00.000-07:00

That's right, another Dad quote.

As of today I have started fighting again. But it's different this time because I'm learning technique, tricks, 'rules'--except it's Krav Maga, so the rule is 'Take the attacker down'.

I had one session and I love it!

It reminds me of when I used to play fight with my cousins and ol T-Town friends. I never actually had to fight, but everyone needs to know how, just in case. I really like it because it's not like martial arts (you know how they tell you to try and diffuse the situation, fighting is a last-choice act, blah blah blah) it's all about street-fighting. Someone is attacking so attack back and don't stop until they're down.

I'm not going to lie, I was very happy when the instructor mentioned how strong I am, how powerful my kicks are, and how I recoil correctly (which I'll need when I get to the rapid-fire stuff that I'm not quite fast enough for) it appears I remember more than I thought.
Next time I go boxing with Jo and Rodney they are in for a surprise...even though R could still probably break my ribs with his pinky (he does free-standing handstand push-ups, y'all) I will inflict some damage of my own.

Haha, suckas! They won't even know what hit them!

Doing nothing...mixed feelings.

2011-06-21T11:16:00.000-07:00

Alright so I don't start working until I get back from my vacation.
Everything actually slowed (and by that I mean stopped) this week. All I have right now is dance. And that's just practice and performances. I don't start teaching again until next week.
I've read 8 fluff books, 1 serious book, and I've become hooked on How I Met Your Mother and, completely on accident, New Adventures of Old Christine--it always comes on right before HIMYM. The brother/sister dymnamic is interesting. It's just alright. The brother has some good quotes, like today: "No, I listen to your problems if I have a problem it's a problem because we're still on your problem" It's funny, trust me. And so fitting. The brother has the best quotes in my opinion.
Have you figured out that this is a nothing fluff post yet?
Oh, good.

Because I'm bored! It's nice. Oh oh AND I've started lifting weights again. Man I've missed it. But now all I do all day is sleep, read, watch tv, workout, play games with theSister, read. Oh yeah...and EAT. Food is delicious.
This is going nowhere...so I'm just going to leave it at that.

This is why ya don't make friends!

2011-06-19T23:23:00.000-07:00

I think I'm going to hold out for the Dominican Republic.
Y'see what had happened was....
I made friends.
Me. Of all people. I try to stay away from that, honestly. But they just wormed their way right in, didn't they?

So, if I'd rather go somewhere down south instead of heading over to Asia, if I'd rather learn Spanish and/or Portuguese instead of/before learning Korean and/or Mandarin, if I want to go to an island where I can dance my troubles away (although, just being there will eliminate the majority of my problems), AND I've found friends that make living here that much more tolerable (again, late 20's-early 30's. Just seems to be the age-group that works for me) WHY ON EARTH would I still go to Korea?

Besides, I have that job teaching English that starts when I get back from Jamaica so I can breathe easy about the whole working while I'm here bit.

So, I'm definitely ramping up my Spanish stuff and finding back-ups in case I don't pass the test...you know, back-ups that don't require a Spanish test.
I only have two worries:
What if I get comfortable and don't take this time to travel (in about 30 months I'm set to buy a house and my travel time cuts down to pretty much in the summer. Yuck, growing up)?
And/or What if I don't pass the Spanish test (and then...well...see above)?

Well what'll happen will happen. I'm just along for the ride (until January. Then I'm back to my semi-neurotic, color-coding, list-writing, dry erase and reusable coffee cup using, journal, poem book, and organizer-having self).

I didn't think they'd all say yes!

2011-06-15T15:40:00.000-07:00

Dilemma. (yo, Nelly!)

Every interview I've had this week has said yes.

I know what you're thinking: This is a good thing, right?
Not exactly.
You see I'm not the best at making decisions. I'm the best at picking ONE thing and then jumping into it then (normally before it's even finished) setting my sights on something else and doing that wholeheartedly.

Par example: I applied to one university because I didn't want the eventual headache that comes with applying to more than one and then having to choose.
It worked!

I picked France. I picked Italy. I decided to come back to university.
And now?

I have to decide between Korea, Indonesia, and the Dominican. Because they all said yes. (What is wrong with you! Giving me options and shite)

Of course there's a 'pending' for each acceptance:

Korea: Yes, pending my FBI check (which means yes, but the FBI can take up to 6 weeks, which means I'll miss the official deadline)

Indonesia: Yes. Just yes.

Dominican: Yes, pending my Spanish test. Which is really a maybe, because my Spanish needs a whole lotta work. I should get on that.

And to top it off I was offered a job teaching ESL here, well, in Tacoma (at a school that's partnered with PLU) AND a job teaching Italian in Bellevue.

I have no idea what to do.
Indonesia is the first to go. I could care less, I was really going just to learn Indonesian and make money. But there were too many negatives: big city, a place I'm not extremely interested in, no real security.

Korea, well I'm interested in learning Korean, but I'd be doing it for the money more than anything else. That and I could stay for up to 2 years with this program! If it wasn't competing with the DR I would do this in a heartbeat. But it is competing with

The DR: because the DR has DANCING. I want to learn Spanish. I want to be able to dance whenever the mood strikes me. But I wouldn't leave until January. Which actually isn't that bad, because I could keep my jobs (teaching hip hop, ESL, AND Italian). I could only go for a maximum of 19 months but I'm okay with that. I guess staying here is the only negative. Yes, I will be able to work while I'm here, a HUGE weight off my shoulders. But...I'm still stuck here for another 6 months.

And then I start thinking about how much I want to learn Spanish...but I could learn Spanish in the US (and if I decide to learn Korean later it'll just make me mad that I didn't take the opportunity when I had the chance. OH. Side note: I was thinking: DR first, then Korea, but...the Korean program is only for students/recent graduates. Boo)

Korea first? Make that money, continue with the Spanish, go to the DR next year? Hmmm...what if I don't learn the Spanish?

Gah! Well...we'll just have to see what happens.

Sexy, with a dash of hooker

2011-06-11T13:32:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I was trying not to talk too much about my super-sexy alter ego. Y'know, the one that strips for sport and has been called The debut high-energy entertainer.

Straight up 'sexy' though? Never done it. Never tried. Then again I only have 6 months, 5 acts, and 4 performances under my belt. I know it's a lot of acts, but I haven't repeated (okay, one of them I did) just because I don't know what really works for me...yet. Out of those 5 acts 3 have tassel/assel twirling (always a hit), 1 has been slow (think classic, have mixed feelings about it), and the last one...well I don't know how to classify it. I put clothes on. Then took them off. But it was Bruno Mars!! I love Bruno Mars. I think I need to tweak it, but it's totally a keeper!
Proof that I can't run away from my sweet and innocent vibe: someone commented on her (and by 'her' I mean the sexy twin's) fb about how it was wonderful...with a dash of innocence.
I'm not gonna fight it. I'm going to make that work for me.

But honestly, I'm getting off-topic.

The point is I was invited to do BROWNlezque. And so I'm going to debut *another* new routine. This one I'm channeling SEXY. Oomph. Never done that before. But I have to see if it works for me. There will still be a bit of humor to it (because honestly, I don't feel comfortable doing straight-up sexy) but it will definitely be the sexiest routine I've ever done. And by 'sexiest' I mean the most blatant advertisement of sex that I've ever done.
And since it's about being/appreciating/whatevering BROWN...I have my own selection of BROWN items I'm bringing to the table. It's going to be DELICIOUS.
I'm actually excited. Y'know. If I pull it off. It's a week from Thursday so we'll know soon enough.

If you won the lottery, what would you really do?

2011-06-01T22:52:00.001-07:00

Okay, so I'm preparing the pre-interviews, you know, the ones that make sure you really know what you're teaching, when out of nowhere this question pops into my head:
What would you do if you won the lottery?

Not only does it help learn the conditional form, but it also teaches you a little something about the person you're talking to.

But why don't we seriously ask this question anymore? Why don't we ask adults? Asking an adult gives you a much clearer response than you'd get from a bunch of fifth-graders!

So, here's what I'd do...

First: PAY MY FREAKIN' TAXES!! It's the state that pays you, there is no way that the government won't know that you've suddenly come across a lot of money. Besides, before you spend it all and then end up owing a lot of money (that you no longer have) in back-taxes, isn't it better to pay up first and then know that you can enjoy the rest risk-free?

First-and-a-half: Pay off my student loans. No debt, thankyouverymuch.

Secondly: Give my parents their allowance. Again, this is the 'before I can really enjoy my money' phase. They won't be getting half, they won't even be getting a huge chunk, but they will be getting something. About 25%, y'know the amount you pay a restaurant for giving really great service. My parents definitely deserve it. After 25 years (and counting...sheesh) of them taking care of me I would definitely want to return the favor.

Then it's spending time.

The third thing on my list (and first thing on my strictly-for-me list) is buying my houses. That's right, plural. I'd get my dream house in the suburbs (Bill Gates I'm gonna be your neighbor!) and, while fixing that up, I'd live in my 2nd Ave condo that I'm obsessed with. And yes, I'd still probably share both with my sister, that plan won't change.

Then it's business as usual. I'd go to school without having to worry about those pesky loans, I'd work part- and/or full time, and I'd continue on with my hobbies. You know dancing, traveling, and language acquisition.

Seems somewhat boring, but that's it. Well, that and keep it a secret for as long as possible.

But enough about me, let's talk about you...
What do you think I should do if I won the lottery?

Kidding.
What would you do if you won the lottery? And we're talking big bucks here, not that 'Oh you've won $500 dollars!' type thing.

So I may end up on an island

2011-05-28T01:29:00.000-07:00

I'm excited. I've been applying to schools non-stop.
Sure, I've been obsessed with Brazil for years...but I've always harbored the idea of living on an island. (see what I did there? I'm a dork...moving on)
And now that may be becoming a reality!

I'm interviewing for Jakarta, Indonesia; Jeju-Do, Korea (also known as the Island of Fertility ha!); Mauritius; and the Dominican Republic.

Of course I'm rooting for the DR, but honestly, I'm not going to be upset if I end up in one of the other places. Crazy thing is, except for the DR all of the others are about the same size! I sooo didn't do that on purpose! They are all about the size of Maui.

My friends and my Mom think I should go to the DR or Africa, just because it'll be good for me to go someplace where I'm not the minority (Indo), considered strange and exotic--and fat--(Korea), or still subjected to the same stereotypes and way of thinking that I find in the US--the lighter the better--a la Brazil.
They think it'll be good for me to not be the token, for once.
I don't blame them, but I gotta say: I will always be the token in some way. But it will be interesting, for the first time in my life, to the be the token -something-other-than-black- girl.

But I won't know until I start getting 'No's, saying 'Yes' or something amazing happens. I should know by the end of June, but a lot of things in my life happen last minute so I'm not going to worry about it.

Oh, and in the past two days FOUR count'em, 4! people have asked me about how I feel about this documentary 'Dark Girls' that I haven't seen. I don't know. Funny thing is I already complained about some of my issues just a few days ago...
but for some reason it's not enough. I snapped at 3/4 of them.
My friend hit me with a "Oh, calm down woman! I'm not asking you to speak for everyone, just about your experiences. Y'know anger is more often than not a mask for pain..."
So, sometime soon, I will open that can of worms. But for now I'm going to think happy thoughts.

About my interviews, and the slumber party on Sunday night!
Sidenote: Am I the only person who thinks that it's strange and also kind of perfect that for the majority of my friendships everything is done face-to-face. I don't have to check up on them, they don't worry about checking up on me (unless, of course it's been over a week, then we send random messages) but the friendship is based on real-life/real-time. I know this seems like no big deal, but how many friendships nowadays are fb only or just via text/phone calls? FB I'm forgetful (I get distracted easily), phones...well I hate phones with a fire-y passion. And I'm forgetful. I could be meaning to send a reply for DAYS.
Which means, umm...don't get mad if it takes me a while to respond. Oh and AMBER!
Skype! Yes, it totally counts as face-to-face. haha

There don't have to be hard feelings, sometimes things just don't work

2011-05-27T18:06:00.000-07:00

That's what Dad said to me. I'm working on a 'Stuff My Dad Says' post so you guys can appreciate the awesomeness that is he, but first, something else.

I see things this way:

When I don't say anything it's because I don't have anything to say, because I don't feel like getting into what's sure to be a long conversation, or --and this is the main reason-- because I'm content. No need to ruin it with words that really mean nothing and are so frequently misconstrued. When I feel comfortable enough to talk, it starts with feelers, to see how much I can say before something ruins the moment. Not the best way to have conversations, but it's the way it is with me.

If it's important, I don't hesitate, I speak. Or at least that's how I used to be.
Recently I've been met with different situations that, in the moment, I cancelled out, but after spending good time thinking about them today (and without being distracted too! No music, no book, no journal, just... thinking) I realize: it hurt.

For example:

Me: I weighed over 200 pounds!
Other: You look the same to me.
Me: That's not a compliment.
Which lead to the discussion about how it is, in fact, a compliment. No matter how I feel about it it's a compliment because that's how it was expressed. No matter that telling someone that they look the same that they looked 40lbs and a little over 3 years ago, at the lowest point in their adult life, a time and weight that took years to battle and that I'm JUST NOW starting to like and appreciate my own body--no matter that maybe a person with these issues may not see that being told she looks exactly the same may not be considered a compliment. And then, when you're told that it wasn't received as much, you then tell the person how their feelings are wrong because you meant it as a compliment. Huh. Well, I guess I was wrong.
So, in an attempt to see things from your perspective I took the same mentality. I said something that was in every way, shape, and form meant to be a compliment (but had nothing to do with physical appearance). You didn't take it as such. So I explained my reasoning. Again, you didn't accept it as such. Whoops, wrong again. So I let it go with an 'okay', realizing that it happens sometimes, and instead I respected your feelings. Much in the way you didn't respect mine.
Although I find it interesting that in both cases you were right. You hurt my feelings, well, my feelings were wrong. I hurt your feelings, bad little friend.

You tell me I need to tell you when something is wrong.
I do. You say okay. We move on... or so I thought.

I make comments that have nothing to do with you and you take offense.

I try to explain the way I feel about something and you breeze over my reasoning and feelings because it doesn't mesh with yours.
Example:
Me: I don't want to go out for brunch because I got hit with a $500 medical bill and really need to save up money for July performances.
You: But I really want to go here. Why don't you just not go out for two weeks and/or work more.
Listen chica. I work two jobs. Can't you just respect the fact that I'd rather not spend the money instead of spending it anyways and then having to work even more to make up that deficit?!
Of course, it turned into a discussion. Guess who got their way?
Maybe it was my fault. Maybe I was more a doormat than a friend.
Let me get this straight:

I say nothing: You're worried that I'm upset and think I'm just not saying anything.
I make a pointed comment when something does bother me: You explain it away and/or tell me how I'm wrong.
I make an off-hand statement: Your feelings get hurt because you thought it was directed at you.

You're right, it IS exhausting.
I see that now.
And I think of all the times my sister, the most important person to me, told me that I should give up on the friendship because she just didn't understand and I would reply with: it's not explainable, it just works. But what do you get out of it? She'd ask. She's a good friend, I seriously can't explain why.

But maybe I was wrong. Maybe I just didn't want to give up on 3 years of time.

And I realize maybe things will never be as easy as my other functioning relationships. With the Sister and/or LA, for example: something bothers me, I say something short and sweet, they say something along the lines of 'don't be a jerk'. Then we move on. They realize that it upset me, I try to find a better way to phrase it the next time.

But fear? Fear, in a relationship? How do you fight that? I tried her route, asking a bunch of questions to maybe see the other side. I got nothing but change the way you are. Then you don't want me as a friend. You want someone just like every other friend you have. Then why are you friends with me? Why say: "I don't want to lose this relationship" and then turn around and say "Something's got to change"?

If you want to change the way that I am that means you don't want me the way that I am.
Circular.
Exhausting.
Not worth it.

I was deluding myself in thinking that the relationship was based on me being myself, her being herself, and us getting along in spite of it. I didn't once ask or even think that she should change who she was, because you accept a person how they are and make it work the same. Or so I thought.

I couldn't even bring myself to get worked up. Not because it wasn't worth it, but because there was nothing to get upset about. I accepted the way that things were going to be between the two of us. I thought that was enough. But having someone insist that YOU MUST FEEL THIS WAY just doesn't work.

Be it a blip, the end, or a 'break' I'm secure in knowing that it had nothing to do with any nasty emotion (hate is a four-letter word) or toxicity.

Some things just fade away.

Hair

2011-05-23T23:01:00.000-07:00

I LOVE hair. Seriously. Ever since I was a little girl I used to play with other people's hair. And I haven't given that up yet.
As a child (or, y'know, up until I was oooh, 10 years old DON'TJUDGEME) I used to have a nightly (almost) routine. I'd put my two fingers in my mouth, my sister's hair between two fingers on the other hand, and think myself to sleep. They were good, pleasant thinks though, so it worked.
Maybe it was because of the repetitive motion, then again, maybe not.
Nowadays I play with hair to connect with people.
I've spent several nights chatting with MaPetite and brushing her hair. It makes me calm, feel connected, I can just be.
And then there's the other side.

Men with long(ish/er) hair. Mm-mm! I can't even tell you what it is. And by that I mean I can tell you exactly what it is.

It's the thought that I could just get a handful of hair and kiss him like no one's business. The idea that maybe when I'm going to sleep I could play with it. It's just so nice. It's upsetting that long hair isn't exactly fashionable, but that makes it that much more shocking (in the always pleasant way) when I find a guy that does have long hair.
But I can't just walk up to him and ask him to let me play with his hair.
Well, I could, but it's frowned upon.
Which means I've done it once or twice. Whoops.

Anyways...the point is long hair = bonus points.

Could you stop hatin on us for a second?

2011-05-18T13:52:00.000-07:00

Here's what I've come to realize:

Dark-skinned women with large butts, big lips, and long hair are considered the most attractive people in the world. Bonus points if she is a sexual being.

BUT

These women can't be black. Hm.

Okay, so let me get this straight.
Dark(er) skin tones are only acceptable if it's from a bottle and/or dangerous cancerous rays?
Full lips are only acceptable if you've injected a type of poison or fat into your lips?
Large butts are only okay if you've gotten implants and/or are otherwise 'socially acceptable'?
Long hair is...long hair. I completely understand that one.
And if you're a different race and you're easy it's everyone's fault but your own (and can be overlooked) but if you're black--well what do you expect? You should learn how to act like a lady?!

I call bullshit.

Sometimes people don't have to go the artificial route, I'll use (the absolutely gorgeous) Scarlett Johansson. She doesn't tan from what I've seen, but curvy body [check!] lucious lips [check!] and if she were black people would question her attractiveness [possibly].

Grrrrr

I just don't understand. Especially since the majority of the world (Africa + Latin America + some parts of the US + India = LARGE PERCENTAGE OF THE WORLD PEOPLE!!) embrace everything that comes with the womanly package that yes, the majority of the time, also comes with a bit more melanin.

I just, I can't, I won't....[sigh] It's a good thing they took that article down (if you haven't heard, the Psychology Today article that was "scientifically" {my ASS} proving that black women are least attractive...oh, and stupid. Thanks)

Honestly, I've seen gorgeous women from every race, how are you going to stand there and spout bull? Gorgeous, beautiful, cute, pretty, unfortunately faced, to downright dog-like we ALL have them you no-good-high-browed-hidingbehindthesafetyofyourcomputer-andyour'science'-mother--.

I'm sick of it.
Of the "She'd be cute if she weren't black" the "Wow! You're gorgeous. But I thought all black people were ugly" and, my fave, the "You don't sound ghetto? Are you sure you're black?"

Excuse me sir. Excuse me.
Where I was raised doesn't change my BLACKNESS thank you very much.
And don't make the mistake of thinking that because you aren't directly putting me down that those other little comments don't bother me. For all I know you are talking about my family. You STILL need to get out of here with that mess!

Or, my new favorite phrase from ohellnawl
Hell is hot.

and then the questions come

2011-05-16T22:29:00.000-07:00

You know how I said hearing about Alpha being seen out and about was kind of 'eh'?
Now that it's had time to sink in I have to change my previous statement.
I've been filled with endless questions lately. Lately as in since this morning.
Maybe because I've been asking questions about everything. My past, my present, the future.
Honestly, I've had enough of these questions. I figured out why I've been so hard on myself though.
The majority of my friends are in their thirties. That's right, 35+. And they have jobs, a different set of problems, lives.
Here I was thinking that my life is a disgrace because I don't have the same problems they do. I don't have the inevitable life problems that come with being stationary and setting up a life because I haven't done that yet.

And you know what?

That's okay!

I may never have those problems because I'm not the most sedentary of people, but if they happen to come 10 years from now I'll have 10 more years of experience to deal with them. It's true, age makes a difference.
I'm sure it's because I feel like I should be older, they say past experiences age you, the more tramatic even moreso. And after all that I've had the pleasure to experience in my lifetime I thought that I was older than I truly am. But no more. I won't stop planning, but I'll recognize that plans change.

And I'll keep my main focus on finishing my BA (finally!) and deciding on whether or not Asia (more specifically, Korea) is a good choice. Even though I'm apprehensive, maybe it's exactly what I need.

Regardless, I'm going to applaud the fact that I've become secure in myself over the past year. Now I have a name for why I feel the way I do sometimes, now I know [some] of my triggers and can keep myself on an even keel. Now I know to stay away from any and all artificial drugs/hormones (okay, I never dabbled in drugs, but I didn't know that birth control would have the effect on me that it did. Wow! 6 years of religiously taking something that was detrimental to my pysche!).

Okay, so that completely changed the tone of the post, but I'm jus sayin!

PS I absolutely LOVE running in the rain. Go figure. I used to hate long distance running with a passion, now I go for miles...

Well, it was bound to happen

2011-05-14T00:04:00.000-07:00

Seattle isn't that big of a place. So, imagine my {lack of} surprise when my friend calls me:

"I saw Alpha!"

I knew it would happen. I actually thought it would happen sooner, but honestly, with the two of us in and out of the country 1 year (and some change) really isn't that long.
Oh, about Alpha---in a nutshell:
First guy I dated. First guy I slept with. I may have been the other woman (jury's still out, but going by the evidence we're doing a 'Guilty until proven innocent' just like the [real] US system [especially for a black man,*EDIT: I guess nowadays it's more any man who isn't caucasian and doesn't speak English fluently *ahem* moving on])

So when I heard that Petite had run into Alpha I expected...something. But no. Nothing. Well not nothing, but I was underwhelmed.

I wasn't upset, I wasn't excited, I didn't want all of the details. A few, sure, but the bare minimum. I was mildly curious.

So...you're still here. So...you like poetry slams. So...?

Mayhaps it would be different if I actually saw you myself, but I didn't, she did, so...eh.

Best part of the conversation?

"He looks tan!"
"Well, he's black, honey."

Why hello Senioritis, some people have mentioned you...

2011-04-25T21:54:00.000-07:00

I've been told that spring quarter is always tough. I don't know if it's because of the weather and y'know everyone wants to get out and enjoy it, if it's because people have been going to school since September and you know ENOUGH ALREADY or if it's the way it is because it's the way it is. Personally, winter quarter has always been more difficult for me because it tends to be colder in Jan/Feb than Nov/Dec (well, normally) and I've just spent time with the family which is in no way, shape, or form a vacation and by the time the new quarter starts I'm like ENOUGH, MAKE IT STOP, CAN I PLEASE HAVE A BREAK!! (holy caps lock!)

Winter quarter was rough.

This quarter...whew doggie!

I'm so busy trying to plan for the future and figure out the whole traveling-living in Seattle-getting my MA (PS ARE YOU CRAZY?!) that I've kind of forgotten about the right now (wow that almost never happens to me) and so now I'm stuck in this limbo where I need to focus on the here-and-now and all I can do is think WHAT HAPPENS 6 MONTHS FROM NOW WHY DON'T I KNOW YET GAHHHHHH.
Yes. Just like that.

Oh and maybe the fact that I've been going to school non-stop--YES, this includes during the summer--since June of 2009. Again CRAZAZY!!

I just.
I can't.
I need.

BLAHGGGGG

And then I woke up

2011-04-20T14:08:00.000-07:00

It's strange, I've been physically tired but mentally alert for the past couple of days. It was like pushing all of my thoughts, worries, and fears outside of myself freed my mind to think about what I really want. Not so much about what I think I should want, what society asks of me, and what is considered normal.

So I'm back to my original thoughts. The ones from the beginning of the year, y'know, when I was happy to not have anything planned and was telling 2011 to bring. it. the eff. ON!
What happened to that chica? Why did she suddenly flip out freak out and break down?
I don't know. It happens though.

So now I've been applying to schools like no one's business. I can tell you what I want:
I want this 6 month teaching assignment in Brazil followed by a 12 month teaching assignment in the Dominican Republic.
Will I get it? I have no freakin clue, but the point is I applied. I put myself out there.

But. So as not to focus entirely on one thing (even though the lack of sleep is driving me nuts. Nuts! I say) I've been applying to places here, even had an interview at a Chinese Exchange School (find out tomorrow, y'all)!
Have checked out a couple of schools, but they're more for volunteering than anything else.
And, to back up my back-up I've started applying to work in Asia. But, knowing that no matter what I will get a job in Korea, China, or Japan, I hesitate to finish my application until I know for sure what's going on in S/C America. Honestly, I'd rather do that first then go to Asia afterwards for a year (ish) but if I get accepted now and decline they will definitely hold it against me (it's true. They said it themselves).

So I guess what I'm saying is...

I'm leaving.
I don't know when, I don't even know where, I sure as hell don't know why.
But it's happening. And I couldn't be happier.

It still hasn't gone away

2011-04-17T22:36:00.000-07:00

I'm so frustrated I'm almost to the point of tears.

I hate not knowing what to do.

I love learning languages, I love traveling. Why is it so difficult to decide?
Oh yeah, I've started making friends and have become somewhat comfortable.

And, yes. I like a certain idea. The idea that if I were to stay here maybe I'd find my version of happiness. Maybe even with a guy. Maybe I *do* really have a biological-and/or-relationship-i-cal clock that has just started ticking. Except I don't want kids. And I want a very specific type of relationship.

And yes, it's fear. What if I take the time to travel now and when I get back I haven't progressed at all. I might not have a job. I might not have a place to stay. I might come back and be right back where I started. Sitting in my room wondering what if? What if I had stayed? How much would be different? Would I still be performing? Would I still be dancing on a team and traveling only every 3 months instead of living in a foreign country and having the whole experience be something new and exciting? A new adventure every single day.

What if no matter what I choose I'm not happy?
Just because I don't know what happiness feels like. I know what it's like to get by, I know what it's like to have nothing, I even know what it's like to have someone work so hard that you end up with more than you ever thought you'd have. What's the next step? How do I go up from there? How do I find the thing that works for ever, the thing that I not only can do, and well, but that makes me happy to do it?

I only have music and dance thusfar, but how does that help me right now, in this moment?

I've always believed that the choice you make is the choice you were always going to make because it's the choice that makes you...but now I'm not so sure. Why can't I see what my life would be like if I stay? I can't see past a few months here. Even worse, I worry that if I continue to feed this addiction it may never stop, and while I don't want marriage, I do want to have someone when I'm older, and if I never stop and let it happen...what then?

I wouldn't change France and Italy for the world...but I wonder if this is me still being young and carefree, (and if so will I ever grow up) or if this is some flaw that I have, y'know, wanting to leave every place as soon as I become comfortable and start to make friends. I feel like I'm really bad at life because I don't have a plan (at least not a normal one). There is no: Travel. Settle down. Work. Find someone. Fall in love. 'Settle down.' get married, and have kids.
I just know Travel. Dance. NO ATTACHMENTS. Rinse, repeat. I'm not tired of it yet, but will I come to regret it when I'm 50 and have no family to speak of? No true experiences one-on-one? And what of that love business? Things are already awkward when I talk to people because I don't seem to care as much.

What I'm saying is: why is this so frustrating when I thought it would be the easiest decision I'd ever make?

Where do I go from here?

Tell Me What To Do

2011-04-16T04:31:00.000-07:00

I'm a bit melancoly. Blue, if you will.

You see I don't know whether or not I want to go to the parts unknown or stay here in my land of opportunity.

I'm not used to thinking about stuff this much, but I'm also not used to having a fairly solid base of people (yes, I might even call some of them friends) and things to do here in my home city.

It's driving me nuts, this not knowing.

Help me!

Ugh, this happens every. single. time!

2011-04-05T17:26:00.000-07:00

I get excited about something mildly exciting that happened in my usually pretty damn exciting life.

I can't wait to share this with the internets.

Then I log on, read everyone else's posts, and promptly forget about what I was so excitedly excited about.

Ah memory, you fickle thing you.

Just to make sure

2011-03-28T07:48:00.000-07:00

I didn't mean that other post as a 'Woe is Me' type post. I'm genuinely baffled, but it's also quite nice.

I wasn't lying when I said it's strange for me to like some guy and have him not try to get in my pants, it's refreshing really. And while sometimes I get confused and irritated, for the most part I like it.
I like being able to flirt with these guys and not have to worry about them getting the wrong impression because they just aren't into me. It's strange, but true.

So...yeah. Even if I sounded a bit put out, it only bothers me somedays, y'know, like when I'm alone and horny, but other days, y'know, when I don't want some guy around bothering me but still want to get my flirt on without repercussions it doesn't bother me.

There you have it.

Well it. Just. Figures.

2011-03-26T20:05:00.000-07:00

Remember this guy? I also mentioned him here.
Don't wanna? I'll recap: Ridiculously sexy guy that I wanna do. Okay, met him out dancing a year ago. Didn't keep in touch. Met him again last September (oh, y'know, because he's an actor and all--and he's actually good!!). Fell out of touch at the end of the play. Bumped into each other AGAIN at the studio, and he decided to help me out with this dance fundraiser I'm doing. Sometimes I think he's interested, sometimes not so much. Either way he's not interested enough because he's never tried anything. But I still wanna do him. I could just spread him on a cracker, mmm-mmm. (In case you've forgotten my thing for men with accents...he has one. And he speaks French, Spanish AND English fluently. Ahhh yeaahhhh). I crawl all over him during the dance routine(because those are the moves, and there's no other time I can)...c'mon Frenchie, make a move!

And then there's these guys.

Greek guy with the tattoos, the muscles, the dancing---who also speaks Spanish and Greek (and a little bit of a couple other languages).

ArmyFriend with again tattoos, muscles, dancing--who speaks Spanish, English, and I think another language

TheWrestler with muscles, no tattoos that I've noticed, who speaks a little English and Turkish fluently.

Holy shit, are we figuring out my type?

And these three live together. And Frenchie up there, he's friends with them.

So let's recap:
4 guys. I wanna do them all.
1 = sex + friendship
1 = sex + friendship + possible dating
1 = sex + possible friendship + workout buddy
1 = sex + long term dating

And the kicker is I don't think any of them are interested in me. This is strange for me. Pardon my arrogance but I'm normally telling guys no, not wanting guys and not getting what I want. This sucks.

Time to go, psycho!

2011-03-19T14:24:00.000-07:00

Oh my effin gah! GAAAAAHHHHH.

I sure do attract the crazies.

Alright so there was this guy that I chatted with for a little bit, y'know since I'm trying the only dating thing EVEN THOUGH I can fairly easily get dates IRL. I thought I'd try something new, y'know, get a chance to check out the merchandise before I go through all the work of preparing for a date. This has not been working out for me.

Coast Guard Guy: Cancelled. No, didn't cancel, straight up STOOD ME UP (I ain't havin it!) then came back with a "I fell asleep" O_o You must think I'm stupid. I didn't bother to block him because I could care less, I figured he got the message when I wouldn't reply to anything. Then today I get a message from him: "Oh, I'm sorry, to be honest I didn't have any money to get over to Seattle, I was completely broke but I'm okay now"
Excuse me sir! I know times are rough n tough right now, but I refuse! Sir, I refuse!
So I sent him a polite--for me--response. I think he got the message.

But he's not the psycho.

Then I was supposed to go on a date with the Army guy. This motherheiffa tries to postpone our date a week. Again, no money. Okay, since when are military guys broke? Y'all are doing something wrong because, in my experience (and I've stated that I haven't run across a uniform that I haven't liked) military MEN don't have this problem. I know, times are hard. But you are still among the best paid, ESPECIALLY since both of you are CAREER MILITARY.
Don't bullshit a bullshitter.
And if you really are having money issues...there are things to do for FREE. C'mon now.
Anyhow, army guy has sent me a message every. single. day. for the past week. "Hey"
No response. He'll get it eventually.

But, once again, not the psycho.

The psycho is something else all together. At least he isn't a creepy-killer guy, but still. Chatted for a couple of days. He was reluctant to meet in person, and after he told me why (he's missing half an arm y'all!) I said we had to. That and he has a foot fetish. We met in person (in a well-lit, public place--this fool actually thought I'd meet him at his house!) and, at the end when he asked, I told him I wasn't feeling anything beyond friendship. The truth. I wouldn't mind showing him around Seattle because he is still very insecure about the arm thing and doesn't get out much. He sends me a message telling me how much he misses me and that he really likes me and I should come over so he can massage my feet and I can use him as a dance floor.
Oh lordie!
I told him it wasn't ever going to happen. Like ever.
He said I broke his heart (I met him ONCE) and *poof* he's gone. I hope.

WTF internets? This is all you can give me?

Monopolies are still illegal, right?

2011-03-17T20:22:00.000-07:00

Just asking because rumor has it that Starbucks is looking to buy our lovely Peet's Coffee & Tea. Yeah, seems like they're gonna keep doing this every few years.

First it was Seattle's Best, which a lot of people don't know about because (true to their word) they didn't change it [that much] at all! It's still known as airport coffee in regards to Starbucks (of course), Peet's (yum), and Tully's (bleh).

And then...well, this is only the second time that I know of. But still.

Even if Starbucks buys all of these companies (even though I don't think Tully's will ever sell, they make their money by not being Starbucks) and doesn't change a thing it still counts as a monopoly, doesn't it. It can't be Starbucks vs all the small stands, that's just not fair!

I'm just saying that...we've got to watch them. Unless they're giving me a cut.
Just kidding.

No I'm not, call me.

My subconscious is pissed!

2011-03-16T12:02:00.000-07:00

I don't know what it is...but the past few weeks I've been having more troubles than usual sleeping. And when I do...whew doggie (how long has it been since I've used THAT?!).

So it all started 2 weeks ago. I had some pretty terrible nightmares that I don't completely remember. I do, however, remember waking up with scratches on my face and bruises on my legs and arms. This happens about once per year so I didn't think anything of it. Sure it was strange that I couldn't remember why I was fighting so hard in my sleep, but normally it's the repressed memories of my childhood, so no big deal.

Then it switched to plain ol' insomnia. Again, this happens about 4 times per month, so I didn't think anything of it, although it's strange for me to go straight from nightmares to being unable to sleep.

Oh, but it doesn't end there. Then it went to fitful sleep. Half-asleep, half-awake, fully aware of the constant tossing and turning. Not waking up refreshed, no dreams to think of. It's been about a week of this and I'm wondering what exactly I've done to piss myself off so thoroughly. Because, seriously, this isn't the business.

So here I am, trying to function without good sleep...and wondering why?

What is wrong with me?!

2011-03-08T23:25:00.000-08:00

Okay, first of all, I never went on that date with the Coast Guard dude. He told me he 'fell asleep' and couldn't make the ferry to Seattle in time. Whatevs. I thought I would be more upset, but I'm not really...even though I totally called bs (seriously, I send him a message saying 'I call BS on that BS' then promptly deleted his number).
Can't get your ish together? No thank you.

But, the question of the day is more based on something else.
You see I went out dancing with MaPetite the other night and I really let loose. I was dancin up a storm, y'all. I got 3 numbers and (shocker) I gave my number to someone.
Problem?
He is the housemate of two other guys I'd willingly jump into the sack with.

I only know three out of the Idon'tknowhowmanymaybethere'sonlythreelivingthere people who live there but each and every one---yeah, I wanna do 'em.

How do I let these things happen?

I mean the two of them that I've known longer I think are pretty awesome, and given the chance (and given their actually asking me out) I'd say hells to tha yes and set up a date.
Yes, even with my busy schedule.

But this is no ordinary situation!

One of them I can't date (I think). According to the rules. Boo. But, then again, some rules are made to be broken...just like some backs. Whomp! That's right, I went there.

The other one (military, go figure) I like enough to see where it leads.

The third one I don't know from Adam, but I found interesting enough to give my number to.

But this is no ordinary situation!
(I know I put that already, but it deserves repeating)

If I get with one then that means the other two are already off-limits, right?
Because what if I'm with the other and it's just weird because I'll still see them around their house, y'know. Or the whole I don't wanna feel like I'm being passed around from one bedroom to the next (who am I kidding, I think that's kind of hot) BUT being able to compare the three of them and maybe cause tension? Not hot. Not in the least.

And then I feel like there's just no pleasing me (although one or all are free to try. I'm [not] sorry, I just can't seem to stop it!).
I try online dating...I'm bored outta my skull and, to top it off, I get weird dudes with foot fetishes, guys pressuring me to meet them at their house (or somewhere nearby), dudes asking me to dance ON them, and/or messages about kissing my 'luscious lips' (can't blame them, they are luscious, but excuse me sir, do not make the mistake of thinking that I'm desperate and looking for a quick shag just because I'm trying out online dating. You LOSE sucka!). So as of today I'm bored AND creeped out. Skill, strange internet dudes, skill.
AND I can't seem to get it together when it comes to guys that I've met naturally, with a true, tangible chemistry...because they all happen to share the same abode.

How rude. Rude I say.

What's a gal to do?
All of them?
None of them?
Keep on keepin on? (with the online dating, finding a different person in person [after all, it's not like I have a problem with meeting people, I just thought online stuff would weed out the weirdos. Gullible, thy name is Stacy], trying to get with one of the guys I'm currently interested in?)

I'm seriously asking! I need your help!

PS If you can convince me to keep on with the online dating that'd be swell. It's been a week...I'm over it.

DOL

2011-03-03T19:56:00.000-08:00

Dating On-Line.
Ah yes. It's been hmm, 4 or 5 days. Out of the people that have messaged me there has been 8 official contenders. It's interesting, to say the least, but let's talk about the front-runner.

First. Let us take a look at my dating history (I have a point, I promise)

::In order::

People that I was feelin enough to give my number to:
Ex-Army
Army
Ex-con
Ex-con
Navy
Ex-Marine Navy SEAL

Who then made it to the dating phase:
Ex-Army (Alpha)
Ex-con (HeWhoNeedsAName)
Navy (theSailor)
EMNS (theSeal)

Those who made it past the intro-date:
Alpha
HeWhoNeedsAName
theSeal

So my point is, apparently I have a thing for military (and ex-cons WOW what does that say about me?!).

So, surprise surprise, the front-runner when it comes to online dating:
US Coast Guard is the first up for a date.

I can't seem to stay away!

Just for funsies

2011-03-01T09:03:00.001-08:00

and blog fodder, naturally, I let my friend talk me into joining two (count 'em TWO) online dating sites: okcupid, and plentyoffish.

This was a couple nights ago.

So far I've been contacted by a lot of people and I've discovered that (on plentyoffish) if you put you 'maybe' interested in someone they send them a message saying that you want to meet! Unwelcome. Surprise.

So anyhow, I've gotten a lot of contact in the few days I've been on (12 guys) and this is the start of my online dating chronicles.

Here. We. Go.

Someone tell me this is wrong...

2011-02-26T21:47:00.000-08:00

Okay, so you know how I'm not very interested in the traditional (albeit old-fashioned, nowadays) idea of love and marriage? The picket fence, the little creatures running around nipping at your feet, the household pets?

Someone mentioned the idea of a military contract marriage.

I shook it off immediately.

Then, one long lonely boring day (y'know TODAY)... I picked it back up.

What if I did go the trophy and/or contract route? It's not illegal and I get to name my terms. I'd have the life partner that I've always wanted without worry about messy feelings getting involved.
I'd probably feel bad (but only for a second) that I'd be getting married just to be married instead of for love when there are so many people who want to marry the person they love and don't have that right...but then it'd pass and I'd continue on in my life.

Is this wrong? Not that it'll really make a difference...but someone PLEASE tell me this is wrong...

Puck You Vancouver

2011-02-23T11:45:00.000-08:00

Ah yes. This past weekend was interesting. I had to wait until I was calm to share.

Alright so there's this friend from Italy. Not LA, the other one. We went up north (Ireland, Amsterdam, etc) together and got along well enough to keep in contact when we moved back to our respective homes (she's from Niagara Falls, Canada).

2 years later and she's actually on a plane to come and visit me. YAY. Seriously, yay!

Warning sign 1: She brought 3 liters of vodka with her. For 3 days.

But still, whatevs, it's her vacay.

The first night we went out it wasn't too bad. She didn't drink that much, probably because I'm not a big drinker and she had just met a friend of mine--who also isn't a big drinker--so she kept it to a minimum.

Then I went with her to visit her friends in Vancouver, Canada. Oh shiiit.

The first thing they did was smoke. Then she told me a little bit more about her and the friend (let's call her Candy)

Warning sign 2: I never go out with Candy with out getting completely obliterated.

But still, PAR-TAY, whatevs.

Between 4 people we finished 2 liters of vodka. Oh, if only it ended there.
[Sidenote: I am a very lucid drunk. I believe that most people are, actually. They just use alcohol as an excuse to do things they want to do anyways. I always do what I want so I just don't understand. Point is if you can't control yourself don't drink]

The 3 ladies hop on the skytrain to head out to the bar. We get to The Cellar (what is it with me and bars named Cellar?!) and, while clearly drunk, they seemed okay.

Maybe the tequila was a bad idea.

I love tequila. If I'm going to drink, it'll be tequila. Straight up.

Anyhow, so the tequila SHE DOESN'T EVEN REMEMBER TAKING. She definitely shouldn't have had any more.

I can't believe I couldn't tell, normally I'm better at gauging level of drunkennessed (it could be a word).

They told me they were going to the bathroom. They never came back.

Did you get that? Go back and re-read it! They straight up left me! In a bar. In f*ckin VANCOUVER.

I made some friends, there was a group of girls that were out dancing that I hung with until they had to leave.
There was the bartender (he was pretty yummy, actually) that she had upset somehow sometime before she ABANDONED ME.
And there was the dude that she had annoyed somehow when we were outside in line waiting to get in.
Both are named Rob.

Bartender Rob was really nice to me, but then again that's his job.
Stranger Rob and I ended up dancing the rest of the night. I was actually leaving with him when there she was, crying, just outside the club.

If only the night could've ended there, but it didn't.
Taxi cab 1: She was too argumentative.
Limo: She tried to get a ride for free or $20 (the limo cost at least $100)
Taxi cab 2 (about 30 min after close): We were finally on our way...a $70 cab ride. Oomph.

We get back to her friends place (locked out, mind you) and had to throw rocks until someone finally let us in.

All 3 of our phones: GONE.
Theirs were probably stolen at the bar. Mine fell out of my pocket when I was throwing rocks at the window (probably, considering I had it when I got into the taxi cab).

And then it was time to drive back home.
I can't even express my anger, it took almost the whole ride before I wasn't thinking about leaving her at a Taco Bell or something just so she could understand. Luckily (for her) I'm not that kind of vindictive.

Me, a salesperson? Really?!

2011-02-21T15:13:00.000-08:00

So...it's only been 3 days. In those three days I've had 3 interviews with the company I mentioned.

I got offered the job. {YAY!}

Now I just need to decide if it's something I want to do.

Y'see, I'd be a salesperson. All pay is strictly commission-based.

Am I a salesperson? Is this something I can do? If I do a good job I'd make BANK. If I don't it be a waste of my time.

Decisions decisions.

I'm feelin okay about this

2011-02-17T16:46:00.001-08:00

So...you know how almost all of my plans fell through early this year? Fulbright--no. PCMI--not likely. What's next--unknown.

Well I was encouraged to apply to any position I found interesting for any reason, be it here or elsewhere, and to also attend the US Gov't Fair. I did both.

Out of the hundred-something jobs that were on the website I found three interesting, so I applied (keeping in mind that I'm no longer looking for a job, but a career). All international companies, but that's about all they have in common.

Not even an hour later I got a call back for an interview! BOOM. I didn't think my resume was that impressive (and maybe it isn't, maybe she just happened to be in the office right after I sent it in) but it made me giddy, getting a call-back mere moments after sending in my resume.

I went to the fair the same...one little may-be-a-problem. If I decide to do Peace Corps (be it the normal or the MI) I would have to wait 4 years after my return to work in the department that I prefer because they have to be sure of alliance to the US. Ick. That sucks. But I'm not sure about the Peace Corps anyways so we'll see what happens.

Pepto Pink

2011-02-14T09:18:00.000-08:00

At 6 years old, I hated the 'holiday' that is Valentine's Day.
I hated pink, y'see (still don't appreciate it as much as the other colors btw) and having a week when everything was pink drove me nuts. Nuts! I say.

That lasted for a long time. Up 'til now, in a way.

It's only different now because I don't hate Lover's Day, per se, I just don't get it. I'm 'eeh' I'm 'whatever' I'm indifferent.

I just don't understand.

Maybe it's my inherent need to fight any form of authority. It's more like "I have to express my love on February 14th?! What if I want to do it on the 15th? Or in May? Why can't I do it whenever I want? Why should I listen to you? Why on Earth do I have to wait until you say to show that special someone what they mean to me?"

It's entirely possible that all of this may change when I'm attached on V-Day (yeeeah, hold your breath for that one) and I may react to it with the gusto that I reserve for other holidays-that-really-aren't-important-but-it's-fun-to-make-it-a-big-deal-anyways. I do like the idea behind it, after all. Showing that person that you love (or really really like) in spite of themselves how much they mean to you...

But until then I'm still sitting here, in my corner, with my coffee, thinking...
Eeh.

More than lust n love

2011-02-13T21:28:00.000-08:00

I miss that spark.
It's weird though, I've only experienced it once. You know what I'm talking about? That little rubber band feeling you get when you see someone for the first time and you just need to approach them.

I'm addicted to that feeling, really. I guess one time is really all you need.

I still remember it as if it were yesterday:

There I was doing things I'm apt to do, when I look up (I like to people watch, and more people were walking in) and there it was.

A snap, a click, a pop, a something I can't seem to put into words because it's only happened that once and there aren't quite any words to explain it.

It's like how you decide in less than a second whether you're going to be friends with someone (according to psychology tests). In that millisecond I knew that I was going to talk to that person. Period. I've had the feeling before, but normally it's a bit timid, not so much a "Do it! Do it now!" and more a "Just make sure it happens, eventually" which surprised the hell-o out of me.

I want that again. Forget about lust (and the dirty-dirty), forget about love (all that lovey-dovey) please, just give me that.

Week 1 Fail

2011-02-13T21:08:00.001-08:00

Not an epic fail, but a fail none-the-less. I lost a pound. You know what a pound is? 2500 calories!
Shoo...

A pound isn't anything, really. But in this case, right now, this minute, it means a lot. If I can't figure this out I'm supposed to let something go.

Do less, or eat more.

That was the "prescription"

Lose weight = lose an activity.

That was one of the stipulations.

Energy wise I was fine until Friday night... then the weekend kicked in and caffeine had to carry me, which only lasted until mid Sunday. Practice was hellish. Do you know what it's like to try to learn (or teach) when there's a huge gap between your brain and your spinal cord? When there is no connection between your body and your brain?
Mayhaps it's only difficult for me...but I was not a happy camper. I was near tears one moment, aggravated the next, swoon-y yet another. I was emotional. I was a wreck.

I only have one more trial week, if I don't make it, something has gotta go.

Daddy's Li'l Lumberjack

2011-02-04T19:11:00.000-08:00

For as long as I can remember I've always eaten an amazing amount of food.
So much so that my dad mentioned that I eat more than he does,
so much so that he later started calling me his 'little lumberjack',
so much so that I thought I needed to scale back.

I was wrong.

I had my annual physical today, and let me tell you, the way things have been going lately...I definitely needed to clear some things up.

See, I haven't been doing so well with the period business. In the past 9 months I've been knocked on my ass 3 times and I definitely haven't enjoyed it. So...I wrote out a list and had a nice little chat with Britt, my nurse.

It turns out something more than anemia was at play.

It turns out that I need to eat more.

That's right, MORE.

I love to eat but this comes with rules, regulations, stipulations, if you will.

I need to eat as many calories as possible (starting at 2500 per day) without gaining any weight. No problem, I average 2700 and stay at a steady 165. Oh no, it's not going to be that easy. You see, my calories come from fruit. Fruit just ain't gonna cut it anymore. I need protein, I need iron, I need MEAT (and beans). And it's not just 'eat more and be happy' it's more like 'eat more, keep track of the amount of calories, protein, and iron you get from every meal, check your weight once per week to make sure you aren't going up or down (down is bad, more on that shortly), and we'll check your progress.'

Sheeee-iiiitttt. I love to eat, I'll admit it, but I have a little problem: I'm forgetful. The reason I eat so much fruit is it doesn't need to be refrigerated, I can grab and go, and if I happen to forget it at home it's easy to find elsewhere--and doesn't cost me mucho moolah. Real food = real work. I stand by my statement: sheee-iiiitttt.

There goes being a vegetarian. Not that I was ever thinking about it. But I kind of was. Not that it's impossible, just harder when red meat is the go-to when it comes to something that has iron AND protein.

But we have a plan. AMs are now going to include breakfast, and once per week I get to have liver. I can't remember if I like liver, so that could be good or bad.

Upside: I get to eat! Duh. No worries about oh, I don't know, passing out on the first day of my period because it's a shock my system isn't prepared to handle.

Possible upside: Mood swings may disappear or be much easier to handle.

Downside: If I ever do want to lose weight (which she advises against) I would have to decide between being healthy and being thin(ner). But, scale aside, why would I want to lose weight (nurse's words)? Going by size I'm 5'6 and a 8/10 (6 if I go tight booty-jeans), not unhealthy by any standards.

Well, if I have to do this you gotta do this with me! The LumberjackLog with be me being honest with all y'all, and keeping up my part of the bargain. I'm thinking a short and sweet weekly overview, the stats, if you'd like to title it.

Here. We go.

PS

2011-02-02T23:33:00.000-08:00

In completely un-related news

Can we talk about Drake's voice?!

The face doesn't do it for me that much, but the voice?
LOVES IT.

I can't even explain why. Normally I like voices with a little bit of bass to it. But his just works for me.

Unsolved Mystery.

I'm unavailable

2011-02-02T16:58:00.000-08:00

I think someday soon I will stop complaining about this.
Not today though.

It's not that I have any problem telling interested people this. It's that guys think it's a challenge.

I'm not trying to be a challenge. I'm just unavailable.

I don't like to lie, the majority of my youth was spent being lied to by one person or another, I was always stuck trying to figure out the truth in the matter and as an adult I've had enough.

I don't {willingly} associate with liars.
Not my style.

So when I'm asked out on a date, which happens quite frequently--what can I say, I'm pleasing to the eye--I try different ways but the answer is always the same: No.

I even attempt to sugar-coat it! That's rare for me. I'll give them a hug, or a mega-watt smile, or say something (rarely, because I find it difficult to get out) like: 'Oh, that's sweet' or 'I'm flattered' BUT....NO. Sometimes even No thank you.

If only it could end there. Why can't it ever end there?

I generally get three responses.

Q: Why? (Damn the WHY!!)
A: I'm not interested (if I'm not).
A: I don't date/I'm not available. <~~this answer normally leads to Q2 anyways...Q2: Are you a lesbian?MentalA: Why you no-good, overly-cocky, howdy-doody lookin' motherheiffa! Why do I gotta be a lesbian to not want to date you? VerbalA: Umm, not right now. (if they were genuinely shocked, to bring humor to the situation)No, I like sex with men, it just won't be with you. Ever. (if they were a jerk)and/orI'm an equal-opportunity lover (if I just want them to wonder. Forever.)and this all goes in a circle, ending with:Q3: So do you have a boyfriend?A: Of course I don't.The pushy bastards that are pushy in an agreeable way (meaning: I don't shut down and cut them out) end up trying to psycho-analyze me or convince me that I need to put myself out there, I need to try, I need to have fun with finding people.I'm not looking for people. Okay, that's not exactly true. But I'm not looking for someone who is going to try to make me have feelings just because it's unnatural to me.I mean we have been over this!!!

You want to be able to crack the code, break down the gates, scale my barriers. And you're not talking about sex. Weird. {okay, so maybe that only made sense to me}

But I'm not okay with you getting hung up because you didn't believe me. {a la hewhoneedsaname...which is finally kaput now. It just wasn't fair.}

Maybe you see a glimmer of hope because I do want to feel. But I want to feel with someone who makes me want to feel, which I kind of had, once. I wanted to feel, never got to the actual feeling part but then the feeling of wanting to feel wasn't enough to make me actually feel and I felt weird about it and then the situation went south for completely unrelated reasons and that feeling that was telling me it was time to feel completely fled the situation and I was left with experience and feelings on lock down once more--are you following me?--and then when I tried to force the "feelings" I didn't feel anything but he did and I got stuck in a interesting little bubble that wasn't at all bad but it wasn't good either--the perfect working example of indifference and after--hmm--9 months it's officially over and my response was a shrug and have fun.

Q: So...why don't you date?
A: I'm currently unavailable.

Unfit for general consumption, if you will.

Wowza, what a week!

2011-01-28T15:00:00.000-08:00

I've been
amused (there's this guy who waves at people on the freeway most days, the other day he had a sign AND facebook! Godbridge! HIGH-larious),

and annoyed (my own mother doesn't reach onto my plate. If she's wants to try/have some of my food--and she always does--she will give me her spoon/fork and ask for a bite. It is well known that NO HANDS reach onto my plate, unless you don't mind losing some fingers).

I had another performance...which was both
bad (I lost a tassel--twice--and the night was rife with other technical difficulties)

and good (they want us to do a monthly production, and my crush came! I stayed after and spent about 1 hour talking to him and two of his friends).

It's been up, it's been down, I've been sore (in all ways but the best), I've been ridiculously horny, I've had an amazing week that was lacking nothing except sleep.

I'm tired. But it's wonderful.

Must go, bachata practice.

Dopo domani

2011-01-22T10:50:00.000-08:00

It means after tomorrow. Literally. In conversation it means the day after tomorrow. Which has nothing to do with anything, really.

I feel better today. Actually, I felt better yesterday that's part of the beauty of the mood swings. They can be tiring, especially since now they rarely last longer than a day (opposed to 3-7 like a few years ago), but I always know that I'll be rubber banded out of whatever melancholy I'm feeling.
When I woke up this morning I realized that I'd slept a full 8 hours. 8 and a half! And it was a deep sleep. I was worried that maybe I wasn't as okay as I thought because when I'm slipping down I sleep more and more, but when I woke I wasn't tired and drained. I felt rested. Always a good sign. It just means that my body was reacting to the jump in dancing--I went from 2-3 hours every other day last week to 3-5 hours EVERY DAY for the past week. So sleep was necessary, and I'm no longer in need of an Epsom soak.

So now I just figure out what's next. Okay, that's a lie. I see what passion overtakes me and prepare for the next roller-coaster.

In the meantime I'm gorging on fruit and watching Spanish television. Because fruit is delicious and Spanish is still on my list of languages to learn.

Are you telling me to stop pushing?

2011-01-21T10:03:00.000-08:00

So much for figuring stuff out.

6 years ago I was a UW freshman. I had it all figured out. I was taking psychology and dance classes, with a little language on the side. I was gonna choreograph and/or compete in dance (while getting my BFA) and have the second degree (BS in Psych) for when my body just couldn't handle it anymore.
I pushed so hard for this. I don't know which broke first: my mind or my body. I injured myself in gymnastics (luckily after the big National competition that I had done--and placed in!--6 months earlier) and suddenly the gym wasn't my best friend. I had intense mood swings. Shoot I had intense drugs pumping in and out of my system. Doctor said I was depressed--here take these and see this therapist. I went nuts: party party party. Sleep? Not necessary. Drinks? Yes please. Make out? Sure why not. I'm thankful I always made sure that sex wasn't an option. Self-preservation.
So therapist says--not sleeping? Hyperactive! Here take these.
I should've asked questions. But I didn't. Instead I stopped taking the anti-depressants and started taking the sleeping pills. Bad move. Apparently, the body doesn't like that.
Bye-bye feel-good, hello sleep glorious sleep. That's what I did. I slept away about 10 months.

4 years ago I got sick of it. I bought a ticket, and I got the hell out. Forget dance, forget gymnastics, forget psychology--I can't help other people when I'm effed up as sh*t inside. I got my over-sized azz over to Europe. Drug cocktail? See ya. Bye sleep aids, bye anti-depressants, bye depo shots. Time to get back to basics. Living. And working. Basics for me has always been working with children. It gives me a strange sort of peace. Kids stupidity is endearing, adults = endangering.
I got to know myself a little bit more. Dance came back to me, my lover we knew I couldn't stay away.
It seems so cliche to say that music kept me afloat. Playing it, listening to it, dancing to it, listening to the musicality and different rhythms of all the languages I could hear around me. It made what was a slightly difficult time in France bearable, and what was an wonderful time in Italy outstanding.
I was healing myself a little bit; music was healing me a little bit more.

2 years ago I came back.
In a better mindset, even if the mood swings still took great pleasure and great liberties with my emotional and physical states about 2 times per week, once a week if I was lucky...but only lucky if it was a good state. I decided to send dance the way of music. That is, from the very beginning I refused to study music; thinking that I didn't need a piece of paper to tell me that I could play. And I definitely didn't want someone to pick apart every little thing about music, because they might pick apart the joy, the love, the very things that separate music from the norm for me and turn it into a life-long affair.
So dance was out. I don't need a piece of paper to tell me I can dance. Of course I never stopped dancing. I still teach hip hop at the gym (my longest jobs have both been at gyms, huh. Teaching dance and/or gymnastics, go figure). I still go out salsa dancing, I still bachata. I recently started to tango. I can't stop dancing any more than I can stop eating. And we know I loves me some food.
But I still pushed to be a performer. There's something about being on a stage and sharing dance or music (or even better both!) that I can't say goodbye to. So I pushed, and pushed to find anything any group that I could be a part of and travel and perform.
Didn't happen.
Meanwhile I was focusing on languages. School-wise, that is. If I couldn't do the dance/psych of my original plans I was going to teach! French, Italian, English...that's the new thing. So much work went into it.

6 months ago burlesque happened. Something I had filed away as a would-be hobby that probably wouldn't happen completely (read: actually performing) for me. I was content to be the assistant, that was all I was getting.
I was focusing on pushing forward with this EFL thing. Burlesque is dance, it's a step in the wrong direction, it's not what I'm pushing for anymore, it's just for fun. All dance was just for fun. So easy to fit into my schedule. This is around the same time that I said no thank you to the Peace Corps Master's International, and maybe to staying in WA for my MA.

2 months ago I started performing burlesque, and another world opened up. Not one in which I put much faith, but one that is filled with sparkly things that I like to play with every now and then.

1 month ago I was selected as a choreographer for InFlux '11, a small dance production.

2 days ago I was offered a position on a bachata dance team.

1 day ago I received my rejection letter from Fulbright. I was sad, sure, but I wasn't devastated like I thought I'd be. I was certain I'd be crying into my nutella if I was rejected. But at this moment (maybe it still needs to sink in) I'm alright with it. Bummed that when I go to Brazil it'll have to be on my dime, but alright just the same. I haven't been working towards this for the past couple of years per se, but it fits nicely, and it won't be happening. There are so many schools I could apply to but my drive for teaching is fading. I still want to travel, of course. I just don't want to sign teaching contracts to do so. What the hell else am I going to do with not one but TWO degrees in foreign language, literature, and culture?!

Today. Today I feel broken. I tend to be an all-or-nothing person. But my entire adult life every time I push for something and give it my all I get nothing but a glimpse of happiness followed by an injury, a letdown, a smack. I let it go and fight for something else and that's when it decides to hold me and lift me up. At the same time that my current 'fling' is knocking me away--I am exhausted.
I know people who weigh everything. They never have intense highs or lows because they have covered every. single. possible base and so it's more an ebb and flow. Little waves while floating on your back.
I'm rapids.
And I never envied them until now.

I'm officially doing too much

2011-01-17T11:02:00.001-08:00

And I'm loving every minute of it.
Seriously, you should try it.
Unless you like to sleep, in which case I take it back.

So between my many forms of dancing (which all started out as fun, then somehow evolved to work--school--performances--and/or productions), overloading in school (recommended credits per quarter 18, number I'm taking? 22), and my second (which is technically my main) job I think I've got my hands full.

But that's okay if the cup runneth over...I'm finally doing what I like.

But of course this is the first thing to fall off.

I'm not a writer...so I don't feel the obligation nay the drive to constantly write and keep everyone up to speed. No worries, I'm working on it...but I'm not promising anything at this point.

Guess who's back guess who's back guess who's baaack

2011-01-06T21:29:00.001-08:00

My crush! Remember him? The guy who speaks French, Spanish, AND English fluently; acts, and can dance?!

Ah, yeah...him.

So there I was going into my salsa class and guess who I see?!

We hugged, did our niceties, and he is probably going to be my dance partner in the DSA Dance Concert that I'm choreographing for.

Maybe things will get hot and steamy, we're gonna be spending a lot of time together.
Pressed up against each other.
Moving to the music.
Rubbing. {delicate shudder of the wonderfully delicious variety}

He is even willing to help me choreograph if I need help with the men's part.

This could be him being the nice guy that he is...
...but in my world it's because he wants to spend more time with me (I mean, who doesn't, right?).
Besides it was his idea to be my dance partner.

YAY! Things are about to get interesting? Third time's the charm?
He did say he didn't see me in December because he was back in France...does that mean he wants to see me more? In Stacy-world, right here, right now:

YES

Dancing...yee haw!

2011-01-04T22:57:00.000-08:00

Ah yes, I'm so happy right now.

For the next 3 months (at least) I'm going to be dancing dancing dancing!
--I was gonna say 'dancing my ass off' but eh, who we kiddin' that thang ain't goin nowhere--
Any hoo-ha I have hip hop, bachata, tango, and salsa! Whomp! So minimum hours per week? 9. 9 hours of shakin my groove thang. More when you add in cabaret. Ells yeah!

So I'm putting celibate back on the table. Between bachata and tango I get the closeness (comfort, being enveloped by a man...), salsa I get the more upbeat, burlesque I take my clothes off, and hip hop, well it is what it is.
You see? This is just like that. Only instead of having sex...I'm not. (wait, was that supposed to be a positive?)
All without getting (too) dirty or wondering if the person will respect me in the morning.
Kidding, of course. I never worry about that. And I always get a call back. HA! Suckas!

And I'm off to my choreographer's meeting.
Did I not mention?
I was one of the choreographers selected to choreograph (duh) for the DSA Dance Concert in March.
BOOM!
My piece (which I'm mentally creating to get a head start, but depends partly on what dancers I get) is a 4-6 min dance fusion that explores a relationship (subject to change) taking cues from hip hop, pop, tango, salsa, and bachata (are we surprised? I'm working with what I know for my choreographer's debut).

I'm so happy I don't really care that I won't be sleeping. Okay that's a lie: I care when I have to get out of bed. I never want to get in, never want to get out. But everything is finally working how I want it to, I'm not gonna waste time whining and sleeping!

3 days in and my schedule is already filling up...

2011-01-03T00:37:00.000-08:00

Ah, 2011, hello, and welcome.
{rolling out Welcome mat}
I've been waiting for you.

You know how you never know what's going to happen until it's happening?
2011 is soooo gonna be one of those years for me.

Some things are for certain:

Burlesque will be rocking my world. I'll be performing, assisting or full on producing, stage managing, personal assisting, and/or teaching in January, February, March, and April. It goes hand-in-hand with all of the photo shoots and costuming that I'll be doing to prepare this month(!).

Undergraduate school will soon steal it's last night, demand the last books, use it's last cent. I don't know if I'm going to finish in March or finish out my minor and stay until June, but either way, this is the last year. (ah yes, but then I have graduate school. Where? Don't know. When? Depends.)

In 24 days I will know where I'll be in 2012. Brazil? Maybe. But I'm not as excited. Right now I'm scared. Scared I'll get accepted and everything that I've built up throughout 2011 will crash and burn in only 10 months. Scared I won't and it'll crush me. I'm afraid to get my hopes up.

In April I'll be playing the piano at my parents' 20th anniversary. I'm playing their song. Possibly singing. It'll be a weekend affair. And absolutely fabulous! I'm gonna help plan and execute it. Seriously, they need my ridiculously anal organizing skills to pull this off.

You see that? I'm only officially planned through April?! What happened to my five year? This is the first year since I graduated from high school that I haven't had everything planned out. That's 6 years of planning. 6 years of know exactly what the year will bring. They've been crazy, but they've been wonderful.

But I'm going to try a new tactic.

2011? Show me what you've got.

My mind is racing...

2011-01-02T22:25:00.000-08:00

...and I can't seem to get it to stop. Ah well, c'est la vie.

I've been thinking (dangerous, that).

About a week ago I said I'd be open to finding a boyfriend. I've now spent a little over a year dating and having fun. From Alpha to theSeal and hewhoneedsaname between I've definitely been having fun. So I figured, why not?

Why not try the boyfriend business? I've been told it's amazing, it's wonderful, it's something everyone should do at least once in their lives.

The problem?

I don't want to.

So, my mind decided to take and extreme leap to the other side, thinking maybe I should go back to being celibate.

But then I starting thinking: I've only been sactive for a year. Not very long, and definitely not long enough to cross 'have amazing sex' off of the BigList.

Ah, dilemma, that.

I could do both but that doesn't sound like much fun for me. I mean, if I'm going to try something new and go for a boyfriend do I really want to be celibate at the same time? I have enough guy friends, and if I'm not getting down and dirty with a dude I don't see how I won't automatically put him in that category.

Which is a vicious circular never-ending horrible cycle.

The end point?

You tell me!

As of right now, here, in this moment...I'm baffled.

And I'm leaning more towards celibate...it's what I know. But then again before it was because I couldn't find anyone I wanted to sleep with (I mean, c'mon! I refuse to have sex just to be having it. And while I don't believe in everlasting love--for me--I still want it to mean something more than a quick boinking). And then I found someone. And someone else. And now...
Now I'm in the same position. I want sex, but I want to have sex with someone because I want to have sex with that person and not just to scratch an itch.

I want to have a boyfriend so I can see what the big deal is.

But if that happens how is it any different when, going in, it'll have an expiration date? And not just the 'things didn't work out' kind of expiration date that relationships have (unless, of course, it ends in marriage--oh, who are we kidding?) but an actual expiration date! Like, that's nice you can be my boyfriend until March 2012 and then I'm leaving, thanks for playing.

I mean what is up with that?!

{sigh}
I'm going to leave that alone for now.

This shit again?!

2010-12-31T12:29:00.000-08:00

Am I going to have a constant reminder of everything we talked about? Because this mess is getting old--fast.

I'm trying to tell myself that 2 months isn't enough time. I mean come on! Two months! I can break it down completely:
3 'run ins' while out dancing, 2 official dates, 1 play-date, and an unknown amount of talking and texting over 2 months.

And somehow you know more about me than the guy that I've known for going on 9 months (3 dating, the rest as my back-up/friend-ish dude). Somehow, when something really exciting happens I want to tell you.

I expected it the first month or so after we stopped communication. When it went away I was relieved. But every now and again I have a relapse.

Like when I found out I was going back to Europe for a couple months. (We talked about travel quite a bit)

Like when I found out you didn't go to Mexico. (Why didn't you? I still want to know)

Like when I found out I was a strong candidate for the Fulbright Scholarship (I find out in a month, y'all!)

But most of those feelings were washed away when I told hewhoneedsaname. Rebound? I don't think so. Do rebounds last longer than the original? So I figured it was just my need to tell someone, anyone, and for some reason or another you happened to be my go-to tell-a-person outside of friends.

Since I've been back from Europe I haven't thought of you. Well, not for longer than it takes to sigh and move on.

I had my burlesque debut and didn't even think to invite you. I had other things on my mind.

But now? Now, I'm preparing for my first year of burlesque. The year that I need to set the foundation, the year of networking, choreography, routines, and new costumes...which also happens to coincide with more work with Jacqueline Hyde (I'm her personal assistant, remember) and Tempest Burlesque (I'm the assistant producer, did I not mention?) NOW I have a relapse.

And I think about how you said you wanted to come to my performance(s). How your voice sounded when I told you about some of my costumes. How you looked at me when I was telling you about my routines.

Lemme tell ya, this is a helluva time to be remembering that shit. An' lemme tell ya somethin' else: this makes me feel pathetic.

It's not all bad though. I distinctly remember you saying that I won't even need to tell you when my performances are because you'll find out, so I'm going to hold on to that like no tomorrow.
Because the only thing worse than not inviting you and hoping that the memories and pathetic-ness fade away is inviting you, and ending up rejected and pathetic and not knowing if it'll EVER go away.

Ah, Fear of Rejection, it's nice to meet you. I knew we'd meet eventually...This only makes me more human, right?

Credit and Expectations

2010-12-28T11:53:00.000-08:00

Okay, so you know how people will wait to do things until they have a witness? I'm talking about household chores. Many people I've talked to say that they wait until whoever asked them to, for example, take out the trash, wait until that person is around to do so; otherwise they have no proof that they in fact did it and the credit may go to another person.

I do the exact opposite. I wait until there is no one around and then I do it. I have my reasons. The main one being: If you get credit for doing something, then they have proof that you did it. Good, sometimes, but bad also. I don't want people to expect me to do household stuff. So I do it when no one is watching. Sure, it still gets done; and sure, odds are they know it was me. But they have no proof. So I can't get hit with that age-old 'But you did it before, why can't you do it again?'

Hahaha! I've found my own way around that and things still get done!

Our Tree

2010-12-25T02:44:00.000-08:00

We didn't decorate our tree this year. Which is weird because this is also the first year that we didn't need to go to a tree farm to get our tree. It's like without the whole trip, the whole search and conquer ordeal we don't bother.

See, we have a couple of rules about Christmas trees: They must be real. And they SHOULD have come from a farm (or a place that we know replaces the trees that are cut down).

So, last year, to save ourselves some hassle, we (and by we I mean Mom, it was no hassle to me) decided to get a small table tree instead of going all out with a huge one.

Upside: Easy to maneuver, easy to put away. Instead of having to buy a tree every year, with the small table tree we can plant it outside during the year and it doesn't grow. It's fully grown, about 3 feet tall, and we just plant it during the other months, pot it for Christmas. Or that was the idea. Yeah, O Christmas Tree is still outside chillin' in her summer vacation spot.

Downside: Difficult to decorate. With a small tree you must be organized or it can easily look like too much. Oh, and the fact that we aren't actually using the tree for it's original purpose. But hey, at least we aren't killing one every winter anymore.

SIDENOTE

2010-12-24T15:33:00.000-08:00

So I was reading a book, and it said something along the lines of why don't we treat our friends better because we're basically dating them except we don't do the happy nasty dance with them but they normally last longer than the people we do do that with and we talk about finding that person that we're going to spend forever with and celebrate every. single. anniversary that we have from 2 wks to 2 years to the first kiss to the last kiss (okay, so maybe no one celebrates that) but these people normally don't last--whether marriage is involved or not--and yet we don't celebrate anniversaries with friends even though we could be friends with people for 20 years and still not see it as something special and I'm rambling so I'm gonna stop for just a sec.

I agree, but I also disagree.

I feel like you celebrate more when you're afraid of losing something. For example: In most relationships I've seen people will start by celebrating their 1 or 2 month anniversary. Then it jumps to 6, maybe. Then 1 year, possibly every year til they hit 5, then the intervals between get larger and larger. There are moments of recognition between, but not truly celebrated unless it's a milestone. Because the more time you spend with someone the less worried you become about them leaving you (in a normal, healthy, relationship). So you don't need the celebrations to remind you of why you're so happy together. (This may explain a bit why I don't agree with PDA).
So I don't think that we are mistreating our friends by not constantly celebrating our friendship.

But I do think that sometimes it helps to be shown that you are appreciated. And the best part is there are no rules for how you do it with a friend! It could be pretty much anything, from going out to sending a random gift to who knows what.

That is all. Carry on.

Oomph

2010-12-24T14:51:00.001-08:00

I'm actually glad I'm not working during the 'winter break'--I never thought I'd say that.

Because hot damn I filled up my schedule! I spend all night reading (for pleasure. Oh yeah, no school books for at least another week!); the morning sleeping (for the most part. AND I still get two hours of...well, what should I call it? It's not meditating (as much as I'd like it to be so) because I fall asleep sometimes. Um, floating? Is that too weird. That period between sleep and wake? Ahem, moving on); the earlier afternoon working on the floor (we're putting a new floor in); and the early evening at the Salvation Army.

Then it's wash, rinse, repeat. Then everything stops and I get bored and still have a week with extra time and it drives me nuts (Nuts! I say) and then classes start and I'm actually relieved and people give me weird looks then I just shrug because don't worry about my weird quirks (mind your bidness aight just mind your bidness).

Anyway...yeah, I don't know where I was going with that.

Oh! I remember. Having a steel mallet and heavy-duty crowbar breaking through concrete and old flooring solves a lot of emotional stress.

Just when I think I'm too much of a girly girl (in comparison to my Ttown Tomboy days), I do something like this, or go shooting with my Dad, or change the oil (or tire) in my car...and I realize I still have enough of that old me left to keep me happy.

Maybe this has something to do with my ManlyMan fascination. I like getting dirty every now and then and I'm the woman...if he couldn't/can't do a little manual labor I'd think he didn't complement the physical part of me. Okay, not completely fair. But he needs to meet 2/4. Hand-to-hand and/or sex, manual labor and/or sports.

That's not too much to ask...until you add in my other preferences (not requirements, mind you, preferences. See, I can be fair)

Well, would ya look at that?

2010-12-24T14:18:00.000-08:00

Petite and I talked. 4 days after our fight. Not a long time by normal fighting standards, but like I said: I'm weird. I care fully, or not at all. So I was glad we had a chance to talk (not argue) it out.

After we did, I felt relieved. Relieved I wasn't losing a friend. Look at me, I'm growing.

But it kind of sucks, I don't know what to do in a situation like this. We're supposed to grow and change with every fight we have...but but but how do I change something that is a fundamental part of what makes me me?

Everything feels fragile. If I'm my normal blunt self I fear hurting her feelings on accident, if I handle her with kid-gloves the friendship won't last much longer anyways.

But, in total honesty, I think we'll be fine. I'm betting all it will take is us going out dancing and/or having a slumber party.

But can I take a minute and pat myself on the back? This is first time--the first person--that I haven't tossed aside after the first fight! (Excluding, of course, the TTowners, but we no longer fight, it's all good-natured roasting now. {Amber! Maybe that's why...it's gotta be the TTown/AXiD bond. Except I really don't count the AXiD for anything except us actually meeting after years of hanging out with the same people. WEIRD})

Is it me, is it her, is it the friendship, a balance of sorts? No matter. And over-thinking it will just make me shut down. Let's just be happy I haven't lost a friend.